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of Food and Skies

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Okay, today's post is going to be about a mish-mosh of things because I really want to delete a lot of old pictures off my hard-drive and so it is going onto this blog, and perhaps someday when I am 80, old and toothless I can come back here and laugh myself silly.

Starting off with some picture of food:

Swensen's Icecream
I went out a lot with Denyse this year to eat all kind of stuff, and I must say that the nicest stuff ever is when we spent 20 dollars or so in Swensens, on this icecream and ...

Mozzarella Cheesesticks 
It is supposed to be 4 sticks, but then we were so greedy that we wolf down two before we were like, uh maybe we should take a photo or something (because ain't food-whoring the trend eh?).

So yup, great experience at Swensens.

Oh god yes I remember how I was so worried that the voucher won't work, and how we would embarrass ourselves by being unable to pay up after eating all those food that we might have to end up washing dishes to pay them back. Then we imagine Swensens calling down our principal and the media and everything gets so blown out of proportion that somehow people in Guatemala and Saudi Arabia ends up knowing about our shameless deeds. Not.

Thank god no such things happened.\

Burger Shack Cheese Fries
We had burger shack fries ones with all three of us, Clarissa, Denyse and me, then I suspected that those two got addicted to the cheese and kept wanting to go back. I went back with Denyse for the fries 2 times more after that (Clarissa was doing something else), and Denyse went with Clarissa once. 

Conclusion? Denyse never misses any chance of having cheese fries. ^_^

Here comes the bad memory...
D'good Cafe Cappuccino Macchiato
Currently I sort of associate D'good Cafe with bad experiences NOT BECAUSE OF THE CAFE but because of what happened there. 


You heard it. If I ever rambled to you about the horrors of PW, you will know why anything that has even a fragment associated with PW will be automatically labelled in my head as terrifying memories that I struggle to keep locked in my subconsciousness. 

The coffee I ordered was too bitter and not what I expected, because while caramel macchiato is awesome, cappucino macchiato is just like grossly bitter. Bleargh.

But nothing ever beats the bitterness of PW. Bahahahahaha.

Here comes the home-made food next:

It looks rather delicious right? It was!

Basically it is just bread with egg on one side, filled with bits of melted mozzarella cheese and toasted on the other side, finally drizzled with honey.

Oh yum!

In case you want to know how to cook it, here is how:
1. Make your egg batter
2. Grate mozzarella cheese; if it is grated, then yay you.
3. Heat the pan (with oil) and put about 1/3 the egg batter (any more and it won't stick onto the bread!)
4. Drizzle mozzarella cheese over the egg mixture in the pan before it has been fully cooked.
5. Put the bread (any bread!) onto the "wetter" side of the egg (aka the one facing the top with the cheese, aye?) and pat the bread down, make sure that the egg sticks!

That marks the end of the food photos in my phone heh xD

Nanyang's (rather awkward) Cafe

According to Jiaqi who actually bought the coffee and drank it, said it was dubious and not good and she regretted buying things for the sake of supporting people (exactly why I never do that, not worth the bad taste in my mouth). 

I sort of like the porch idea (and dear lord I keep spelling porch as Porche) but on rainy days it is too wet to even sit. 

So blearrrgh, allow the cynic in me to be unleashed.

Of course we have to leave our names there, tralala, our whole clique that went back. I am curious because I am distracted, did the word cliche evolved from the word clique? Hmmm... I feel like I am high on eggs.

The Amazing Sky one morning....

Sky at Dawn

Sky before nightfall, that really bright spot is the moon, and I swear this photo does not do the sky justice because it was the most beautiful colour I have ever seen. Like this soft turquoise that fades into darker blue than black. The moon was just dangling in it like a single piece of gleaming jewel.

The sight made one euphoric. 

Thunderstorm sky...

I loved how bleak and grey the first one is, and I was totally amazed that such a good photo can be taken with just an Iphone, third generation somemore. The only thing that spoils the beauty of the bleakness is the reflection of the light in the window, but if I didn't turn on the lights, the photo would be very pixellated. 

I love the wet look of the wall on the left in the first photo, don't you?

I think that's about all for now, I will write more later on because I think anything else will just spoil the effect created by that thunderstorm we have here. :3

See y'all!

Hair Trimmed

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I got my hair trimmed this morning because my mom sort of like forced me to. I was in a dilemma partly because my hair did get rather heavy, but I sort of also liked the way it was.

Besides, trimmed hair has never felt the same as the original.

Oh, I got my side-bangs trimmed too. Was considering fringes, but decided against it for fringes are view-blockingly evil. Furthermore, my forehead is full of sweat glands that are not to be provoked.

Weather is deliciously wet, cool, and moist with lovely swishing sound of gentle rain on the asphalt pavement.

Life is good and...

MAN I LOVE HOLIDAYS muahahahahaha!


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Have been feeling under-appreciated lately.

Not even sure of why.

Okay okay maybe I know, just that I don't want to share it, sorry heh xD.

Basically, I am going to keep quiet from now on during ALL lessons and not let my opinions be heard. I am curious to see if there would be any difference if I suddenly stop being so noisy, and I wonder if anyone would even notice if I am quiet/ non-present.

Okay, I am in my grumpy and self-deprecating mood.

It will pass, la~la~la.

An Analysis of Ye Shi Ren Sheng Characters

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Other related posts:
Ye Shi Ren Sheng 5/7/14 Update
Ye Shi Ren Sheng 07/10/12 Recap


Yes yes I know you are judging me because of two things right now:

1. Why do you watch that long winded show?
    Hey it is actually quite nice okay!

2. What!? Why do you like You Hui?
I shall tell you why exactly.

I think out of all the characters in Ye Shi Ren Sheng (YSRS for short), she is the most realistically crafted, most real character unlike the other characters that seem to be more of caricatures than someone who actually walks on the planet. To prove my point, let me explain why I don't like the other characterization of the other lead roles as much.

Ye Ru Yi

Sweet, kind, patient, tolerant and exceedingly gentle and beautiful, Ru Yi's character encompasses every good trait that a man can ever want in a wife. She is kind and tolerant to even those who has hurt her, she forgives those who have hurt her so much (like Chun Chun) and sometimes she stands up for herself. Furthermore, she seems to be capable in managing business and talented in marketing and true and loyal to her husband, what more can you want?

All these traits are exactly what makes her so unbelievable as a character. Unrealistic and surreal.


I mean look at her treatment of Chun Chun and her father-in-law who had given her so much hard times and made things so difficult for her. She is constantly and supposedly genuinely caring and tolerant to even her father-in-law who rudely chases her out on countless times unceremoniously. She offers Chun Chun advice and comfort and is a true and dependable friend and family to her when 1. Chun Chun stole her ex-boyfriend Laifa, 2. made things hell for her 3. scheme and plotted against her and gave her so much trouble.

It seems exceeding unrealistic to me that a person's tolerance, while laudable, can be that far-reaching and that a person has such a great capacity for forgiveness.

It seems even odder that when she developed ovarian cancer, she is still worried about You Hui when I expected a normal and real person to go like, "Holy turtles and crayfishes! Save me someone!"

My opinion is that Ru Yi is not crafted in order to be a real character of sufficient depths and "roundness" for exploration, but a flat, one-dimensional character, the embodiment of the "damsel-in-distress" archetype.

Remember that time when Amy was using her fake "leg-paralysis" stunt to hold onto Zhi Qiang? Ru Yi is always portrayed to be the one falling in the schemes of others like Laifa and Amy, and she is seen to be always forgiving the ruthless machination of these villians.

Even odder is the fact that she does exactly what we expect a damsel-in-distress (DID for short) to do, and that is to always appear to be strong in front of the others, and cry to herself when she is alone, making all the audience feel sorry for her because this is exactly what DID does.

In order to complete and complement her DID archetype, she is also constantly pulled out of sticky situations and brought into happiness by her various knights-in-shining-armors.

Look at Zhi Qiang for example. 

He is always standing up for Ru Yi who never really stands up for herself, and it seems like it is his job to defend her against the tirade of Chun Chun and Laifa when they were still married.

Then look at Ru Yi's father-in-law.

He is another person who was constantly defending her when she is accused of something, and so far I have not seen Ru Yi defending herself with evidences and argument like You Hui always does. Instead, most of the time she just looks helpless, hurt and wronged whenever someone maligns her again.

Then we have the list of Ru Yi's Dad (Ye Han Liang), You Hui, You Zhi, Yue Xia, Bing Ding and his wife... who are always jumping to Ru Yi's defence.

Ru Yi is more or less cast as this unbelievably saintly girl who has the love of all her family and friends and is extremely kind and sweet because she is simply incapable of malice.

Her position as a tragic heroine is reinforced through the setting up of her tragic back-story: her mother passed away while she was a young child; she worked herself to bones sending that ingrate of a boyfriend to university, fulfilling his dream of becoming a doctor only for him to ditch her for a loaded girl.

To top it all off, she gets terminal ovarian cancer just when she manages to attain her happiness.

Her entire life is made to be such a painful and heart-breaking tragedy (partly stemming from her own rather spineless character and a dose of ill-luck) that we cannot help but weep for her when she sobs by herself over her limited time left.

I, for one, cried my heart out.

This is exactly why Ru Yi's role is not meant to be a round character, but she serves to be a representation of the "kind, tolerant and everything positive" in the world to give the drama the much needed balance whenever we see too much of Laifa, Dafeng and Amy.

More so, her character serves to influence the people who are watching the show to hopefully become as kind and as forgiving as she is, although it is rather unappealing that someone this perfect should be penned to death with a terminal illness. Maybe that goes to bring in the reality factor into the show to bring across the point that not every kind princess has her happily-ever-after?

Yep, that is pretty much why I don't really like her much because I find her too unreal and too perfect and unselfish to be a realistic being.

Lee You Hui

In stark contrast, You Hui is a much more real and well-written character for she depicts the common trait that is common in human beings: selfishness.

Indeed, You Hui can definitely be a pain in the ass at times with her endless plotting and scheming against the other asses in the show, and I am sure many of us are itching to whack her whenever she does not display gratitude towards her brother and mother's unconditional love and care.

Her whining get on my nerves at times too.

But overall, she is portrayed as a very realistic and imaginable character: she has the "every man for himself" streak that often shows whenever she desires something or someone, be it money, Haotian or Dafeng.

She is cunning and machinating, and she will devise devious plans to get what she wants, and her two-facedness is also not uncommon in the real world. While it could be unpleasant to watch her smile at one moment to smirking at the other moment, I question, doesn't that happen in real life too?

Haven't you ever bowed down to authority just to get out of trouble, then mutter and curse once you are out of harm's way?

Haven't you faked sickness just to ditch one day of school perhaps?

This is exactly what You Hui is doing, just that hers is the adult version of the real world "out there".

Beneath her cold, heartless and seemingly overly utilitarian exterior, You Hui has the kind side that I believe that is present in everyone.

Fiercely loyal to her close friends and family, You Hui is one friend that one can turn to for help or confide in when in trouble and rest assured that she would help you (sometimes by breaking a law or two). She is also one who will go to extreme ends to defend her family members, and is also one who is very protective of her family and will do anything to hold her family together.

Look at how she helped Ru Yi to get back with Zhi Qiang for instance. Without her taser and merciless daunting of Amy, Amy probably will be married to Zhi Qiang now, still faking that her legs are paralyzed.

When her brother, You Zhi's company needed funds, she gave him the sum of money that she managed to get from Hao Tian without a word to tide him over.

This duality in her character is what makes her much more real compared to Ru Yi who seems to live by the motto of "Love your friends and love your enemies more". I find it hard to believe that someone can be kind to even those who harmed oneself countless times, and while I agree that it is unnecessary to seek revenge at every instance, I find You Hui's selective loyalty and love much more compelling in contrast with Ru Yi's unconditional kindness towards all.

Strangely, I find that You Hui's frequent bursts of anger that is coupled with screaming yelling and basically going crazy and wrecking havoc everywhere accentuates the solidness of her character.

She is a perfect depiction of what it is like to be so furious and frustrated with everyone that one simply loses control with the amount of pent-up rage and hurt. More importantly, the show has given her enough reasons to be angry and frustrated:

  • Her father left her and the family for a richer woman, abandoning her.
  • Her first boyfriend slept with the step-sister she loathes.
  • Her second boyfriend and husband was so mercurial that he indirectly caused her miscarriage.
  • She loses the child which she staked everything on, literally.
  • She divorces her husband because she was cheated by her first boyfriend.
  • Her first boyfriend heals her through deceit and cruelly dumps her.
  • Her husband's family took over her brother's business so that her 1st boyfriend is made the CEO. 
  • She gets insulted too often.

Yes, I mean some of us may think that she deserves all these, but personally while I feel that she did bring some of these bad consequences upon herself, I still feel really bad and sorry for her.

It is as though her father's leaving served as a catalyst for her to be over-competitive and possessive, which resulted in her stubborn character that made many of the bad things happen.

Whenever she screams and yells at her mom (which I will frown and cringe at), I can still tell that she is sincerely upset with the loss of her father. Even more believable is her never failing to show extreme signs of remorse after she has lost her temper with her mom.

It is like sometimes my mom yell at me for almost nothing and she will feel bad too.

I can totally empathize with the lost of control of one's emotions and taking it out on someone you love, only to have that person crying for you and comforting you. The guilt and remorse can sometimes be even stronger an emotion than the original anger.

I think Daisy Fong (actress) portrayed this role super well.

Okay I am too tired to type further, so let's end it here, haha.

Endoscopy and Stuff~

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I went to do endoscopy yesterday because my stomach has been giving me problems again. Mom got really worried that it could be a relapse of Helicobacter Pylori infection or maybe even cancer.

Honestly speaking, the fear of having a tube shoved down your throat into your stomach is really much much worse than actually having a tube shoved down your throat into your stomach.

For all of you who are lucky enough to have not done endoscopy before, or just too lazy to google a picture, here is how an endoscope looks like.

Now imagine having that freaky black thing crammed down your throat.

I was thinking about the thousand bad things that can go wrong (like perforating my tummy or my intestines) and a million Final-Destination-reque freak accidents like they accidentally put too much anesthetic into me and I just die.

Basically, I am pretty much a coward and was really freaked out.

When I was lying on that arm-chair like thingy, I was literally shaking and trembling under the blankie, whether it was from cold or from fear or a mixture of both, I didn't know. Then the nurse plugged this needle into my hand (where they will pour anesthetic into me) taped it there.

I actually did ask the nurse if there was any chance that they would go like ooops and poked a hole right through my tummy. She was like, "Very little chances."

That roughly translates into, "That actually happens."

Damn, you have to give her props for her honesty.

After that, the doctor came in to talk to me before I am knocked out, and this doctor is like teachers: he prefers talking than listening. He was asking me how I am feeling, and before I could reply, he is already nodding his head and going mmmm... so I figured I should keep my answers short or I won't get in any words at all.

So I said, "Pretty nervous."

The nurse was like, "She is seventeen and this is her first endoscopy."

This brings us back to some moment ago, where she actually asked me, "Is this your first endoscopy?"

I half wondered through my trembling brain goo whether there is actually anyone that got addicted to endoscopy, so that they go for one every half a year or something just to have a tube put down their GI tract.

Figured not.

Going back to the doctor and how he prefers talking and nodding as compared to listening, he was like, "So you have some pains in your tummy?"

This "Little Me" inside of me, a.k.a my brain was like doing this very annoyed little head-shake at his assumptions.

I hastened to correct him.

"Not so much of pains, just that after I eat..." (nod, nod) "...I feel really bloated despite eating little and will burp quite a lot..." (nod nod, mmmmm) "...then there is this weird feeling in my tummy..." (here he interrupted me to continue his narrative of my condition, cough cough.)

"Is the pain here?" (indicating somewhere above my belly-button)


"Hereeeeee~~~?" (indicating all around my belly-button)

"Yeah sort of...you know like this squeezing pain thing?"

He interrupted me again and proceeded to mime squeezing a table cloth, "like this?"

"No no no! Not like that! Maybe more like a hungry feeling right after I eat."

He started nodding (impatiently, my guess is) again and hastened to conclude.

"Well, there are two cases. One is that you can have HP infection (haha harry potter infection -.-) or two, you have some food allergy. So we will check if you have HP, if you don't we will have a food allergy test!"

I was like, "Okie."

Then he took this clear liquid and said that he was about to begin, so the nurse came to me to put this mouth-piece into my mouth to keep it open, and took away my glasses. I felt this really cold liquid flowing into the inside of my hand, felt my blood shiver, replied to some question that the doctor asked, and then I was out cold.

The next thing I woke up to was the nurse ripping the tape off my hand and a dull stinging sensation where the needle had invaded me. My head was still swimming, but thankfully I didn't feel nauseous like the other people said they did. I had some pain in my tummy and that's about it. Okay maybe some stomach cramps.

Yup, so that was endoscopy.

(Shhh, sometimes I wonder if I really had a tube put through me....)


So what I am really annoyed with is that recently, I got really put off by this girl from one of the top JCs around here.

Point is, I barely knew her (smiling politely does not qualify as a "I know her") and she had the audacity to question my privacy.

First she was like, "Has your school started teaching J2 blah blah blah topics?"

I was thinking to myself, hmm well good question. So with all honesty, I was like, "Nope, have you?"

She was like no. So I was like okay, and went back to my work.

A while later, she was like, "Has your school given you all the next year materials?"

This question made me feel rather put off, for one, hello!!! I don't really know you which means that you are not entitled to any (honest) answers. Next, what is with all the "your school, your school, your school" fishing? Why would I tell you anything? Besides her tone was both demanding in a subtle way and oddly annoying.

Still, I answered her politely, "No they didn't, did yours?"

And she was like, "No."

Later again, she was like, "Do you have tuition for every single subject?"

I was so fed up by then that it took every iota of my long bred self control to not push her face into the wall and yell "Get away from meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" and I wonder and wonder to myself how in the world did I have such bad luck to ever run into such a nosy but pretending to be cavalier person. Her snobbish tone and questions did nothing to enhance the perfect impression I have of her other school mates I have had the chance to interact with.

Till today when I think about it, I am still fed up. Maybe I am just so narrow in heart that I cannot tolerate that little bit, but whatever. I satisfy in being narrow-hearted.


I suddenly felt really annoyed with the printing lady at our school while I was at home.

Allow me to justify my sudden emotions: it was triggered by none other than 2 rather bad experiences with one of them. (The other one is okay.)

So there was this once where I happened to not receive my Biology lecture notes because I don't visit the class bench enough, apparently. The last one Clarissa and I found was crumpled in the recycling bin (hrrrmphs) and Clarissa kept it, so I had to photocopy everything for myself, with the class fund.

Anyways, I went to the print shop to ask the auntie to help photocopy one.

I had one of the most frustrating conversation I ever had.

"Auntie could you please help me photocopy this and bind? Thank you!"

"Why do you need to photocopy this?" (Her tone was gruff and not conversational, oddly)

The last time I checked, she wasn't a undercover cop.

"I didn't receive my notes when the class was giving out, so I have to get one for myself."

"What do you mean you didn't get one! I am sure I gave accurate copies to every class!"

Her voice was getting louder, her tone defensive and agitated and it was starting to get on my nerves. For lord's sake, I didn't even say anything about her not giving enough copies!

"No I am not saying you didn't give enough copies to my class, I am saying that I didn't get one. When they are giving out, I_didn't_get_one." (emphasis on the last part)

See, I am already trying to calm her down by telling her it is not her fault, just that I happened to not get one because like I say, next time I should plant myself at the class bench more often.

"But I gave you all enough!!"

Still agitated, and it was starting to agitate me as well. In my mind, I was like, "Stop! Stop! Stop being so overly defensive and just go and zap the notes already arrrrrghhhhh!!!"

Clarissa and Denyse fidgeted next to me.

"Yes yes I know, I never did imply nor state that you did not give enough. I am saying that I didn't get one okay? Like I didn't receive one so I am photocopying."

I was so close to my boiling point and she has to push it with her next accusation.

"So I didn't do anything wrong and it is your own fault lar."

I really blew up then, internally and it took the last vestiges of my strength to keep the really stiff smile on my face.

"It is not my fault, my class did not give me one. And I never said it was your fault, I am only asking you to photocopy this so that I can have notes. How much is it? I really need to go now."

Yes, right before I scream and yell and become a mad woman.

"Okay, I tell you arh, your own fault so we cannot print the original for you, just photocopy. We stop printing already okay!!"

Goodness gracious, since when did I even ask for an original print? If I did why would I bring Clarissa's notes to her and tell her specifically to "PHOTOCOPY"?

I was so fed up because of numerous reasons. For one, her attitude is really really bad. I don't know why, each time I see her (not the younger one with longer hair), she looks like she is permanently grouching and her tone has never been, in the very least, civil.

Furthermore, I only requested for her to photocopy something, and she could simply do that without questioning me (accusingly) and then bombarding me with questions and accusations while constantly defending herself.

While I understand that she could have been worried that she might have accidentally made a mistake, which she was in such strong denial of, she really could have asked, "Did your class get enough copies?" instead of "I am sure I gave correct number of copies!", when I have never made any implications nor inference that she did otherwise.

Finally, what was with the "original copy"? I was so miffed at that because she made it sound (to everyone else) that I was making things difficult for her by requesting an original copy.

Argh argh argh.

Now I always avoid having to ask her with any help because she likes to sort of glare-stare at me, a lot.

Okay, end of rant, so much better bahahha.

The Measure of One's Existence

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I was feeling a little under-appreciated one day and that odd moment had brought me to think more deeply about the value of one's existence.

I mean, sure, we have been told a lot of times that we have to be of value to our country by contributing to it; we have to be of value of our schools; we have to be of value to our society.

But then I realized, not every contribution made would be taken into accounts through recording, and indeed, not every contribution needs to be written down in black and white. It is just that people who are contributing to the society in one way or another, in good ways or in bad ways, in trickles or in floods are dying everyday and almost no one would know about them.

Apart from their family and friends of course, and that brings me to my epiphany that one's existence is very much determined by one's family.

Take me for example. To my school, I am just one student out of the hundreds to thousands; to my country, I am just one citizen out of the several million; to this world, I am even more insignificant, a mere shadow among the 6 billion people.

But to my family, I am priceless.

To my mom, I am her only child, her love and her hope. To my dad, I am the pesky kid of his who always asks him to turn down the volume of the TV because I need to sleep. To the rest of my family, I am a important, irreplaceable member whom they love deeply. We can argue, bicker and get annoyed with each other, but we know that there is no better people to be family members than our own family members. 

Imagine if you were to die one day, what would the rest of the world know?

Maybe your friends will be sad, your best friend sadder, your school acknowledges your death and your nation has really no idea because people die. All the time.

But it is your family who will grieve so long and so hard, remembering every glorious (but now painfully sweet) moment they have spent with you. They will remember your eccentricities and idiosyncrasies that define you. 

They will recall how you refuse to eat carrots and broccoli and how you used a potty till you are six years old. 

They will remember how they spent your past birthdays with you and now devastated because there are no more birthdays left

They will remember you as a cheeky, naughty but nonetheless sweet and caring family member whom they were always able to confide in, but now you are not there.

It gets worse for your family as they sit down for dinner and then realized that they took an extra set of utensils because you weren't there anymore.

Then they sit down to watch television after dinner, laughed at a funny part and turning back to see your reaction only to realize that there was no reaction to see

It gets bad. It gets so bad because there is this hollow, empty void in their lives where you use to be, and like a bruise, it hurts whenever it is touched. 

Maybe it will get better.

Maybe one day your family can visit your family's favorite restaurant again calmly, but imagine if the waiter you are so familiar with happened to ask,

"Hey, where is _______? Haven't seen him/her for a while."

The smiles will slip a little off their faces, your mom's lips will tremble a little as she looked down while your dad will breathe deeply and tell the poor waiter, "He has gone to a better place."

Human memories are indeed frail. But not when it comes to remembering a person whom they spent decades and decades with, remembering and cherishing, loving and caring for. Every year, without fail, they will remember you and grieve all over again missing you so badly while the rest of the world has long moved on.

Maybe the rest of the world has not even stopped in the first place.

But the time for your family has stopped when you left. Every agonizing moment felt like a million hours to them, it can take years for them to reconcile themselves with reality and move on. 

Sometimes they move on with life, but not from you. They take memories of you with them.

See, that's how you have measured your existence. When someone remembers you, when someone loves you even when you are not here, and when someone truly cares for you. 

If you have had no family or anyone to remember you after you leave this world, it would be like you never existed. 

Like you were never even here.

There are so many regrets in life, some small, some great. But I think the most painful regret is that when you realize that you have not spend enough time with your family or done the things for them when you should have, or simply tell them that you love them and you care for them.

People die far too quickly and far too often, and it is the greatest tragedy that family members leave too quickly too. 

Treasure your family members, love them just as they have loved you. Spend quality time with them. Don't stay angry at each other for too long. Don't stop talking to each other because of one misunderstanding or quarrel. Apologies first even though you have done nothing wrong, I do that, because with family, right and wrong has never been so important. 

Starting with myself, I am going to put down my grudge against my grandmother and my dad and try to embrace them, I will love my extended family more, and love my parents more deeply. I will treasure and cherish my mom and my family, and I hope that all of you will do the same:)

La Riche Directions Dark Tulip Hair Dye!

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I haven't had much fun during the holidays so far, so yesterday I decided to dye the bottom half of my hair dark tulip! Remember at the start of the year, Audrey Alyssa gave me the La-Riche Semi-permanent hair dye?

And Audrey did her hair in the same color (just a strand of it) and she blogged about it too, so you all can check it out by clicking her name up there! :D It showed up much much better on hers because her hair was like this light brown shade, super nice, I think!

Dark Tulip La Riche Hair Dye

I picked dark tulip because out of all the colors that were available, I thought that it was the least obvious color out of all of them, and also because I love this kind of purplish-reddish shades hehe.

The color range available

I was originally tempted (like super tempted) to pick a red share like poppy red and stuff, but I decided that I was such a chicken that I wouldn't dare to wear such a color. In fact, I was already contemplating long and hard whether I should use dark tulip, so when I just tried it, I tried it on a very very thing section a the end of my hair!

So, you know, if in case it turns my head into some purple-headed monster I can just like snip! snip! snip! it off before I return to school. 

Tralala anyway, the dying process was semi-horrendous.

The hair dye is a bit like paste, but very smooth.
I wanted to ask mom to do it for me, but her work ends only at like 6 plus, and she would want to rest + eat dinner + rest some more, which means that I cannot get my hair dyed till like 8.30 plus.

And that is decidedly bad because I didn't want to dirty or stain my pillow with my hair dye. Next to my blanket, my pillow must be like the second most important thing to me, bahahaha! You should see my mom's pillow, it is browning from all the hair dye, yuk!

So the first round of dying took me about half an hour, including rinsing all the dye off and stuff, but I decided that the color was awesome since it can't really be seen against my dark brown hair unless I stand in the sun, so I thought the colour would show up more if I redyed the dyed part.

So I dyed the same portion again.

Then I washed all of my hair and showered.

After that I blew dry my hair, and was utterly frustrated because I can't see any red at all, apart from this little tinge at the end of my hair. So I was so annoyed and vexed that my stupidity went into an overload.

I dyed a larger portion of my hair, like bottom half of it, all to dark tulip.

This time it took longer, like almost 45 minutes, and thank god because the hair dye says it needs only 15 minutes before it can be washed off.

After that, I washed and washed and washed and it looked as if my head was bleeding and my hair were bleeding purple-pink blood into the sink (and thank god that Mom wasn't home or she would have throttled me with her bare hands).

And then I toweled it dry and blew it out with hair dryer again. 

I am actually pretty happy with the hair color, partly because it is not that obvious, which means I wouldn't have to actually cut the entire length of my hair off when I am going back to school, and it also means that I won't get looks of disgust from any HC facilitators when I am attending HC THIMUN next week. 

On top of that, the bottom half of my hair looks like it is sort of reddish-purplish-violet under the sun, which is now officially my favorite color heeee.

But in all honesty, because my hair is dark brown so the coloring turned out to be not dark tulip but like the rubine shade (see above picture).

Not that it makes it any less awesome. :D

The only bad thing was that now one side of my neck is still slightly colored, and also my nails and yesterday my fingers and palm are like reddish-purple. Most of it came off, but some are here to stay. For a while.

Looked like I made a suicide attempt. Hee
Plan for the next months? Dye the top of my hair dark tulip too! I still have like 3/4 to about 2/3 of the dye left and it can be kept for one month.

The other best thing about La-riche hair dye is that it doesn't feel like it damaged my hair at all. In fact, the dyed part is now shinier and smoother than the undyed parts. Basically the dye is like this conditioner thing that you smear on after shampooing your hair, which is pretty cool in my opinion :D

I have included some pictures of those who also did their hair in dark tulip, and theirs is far far more obvious than mine!


I think to get that color, we have the bleach the hair/ lighten with hydrogen peroxide, which the La-Riche website also sells, but I don't want and don't dare to bleach my hair oh gosh. So uh I shall remain blissfully happy with my tinted hair hehe. :D

Okay, that's all for now, bye!

New Header

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I changed my blog's banner!

I found this image via google search, and whoever that made this beautiful borders, thank you so much!

Now that the holidays are here, it means that I am going to finally have some time to blog!

Point is that...I can't remember how to blog hahaha.

I guess I will take a while to remember again! :D

If I Could Tell You - W.H. Auden

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Time will say nothing but I told you so
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be sold, although,
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reason why the leaves decay;
Time will say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you I would let you know.

Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And the brooks and soldiers run away;
Will Time say nothing but I told you so?
If I could tell you I would let you know.

by: W.H. Auden

We Can Be

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[We Can Be]

We can be blind, eyes open but unseeing.
We can be deaf, aware but not heeding.
A little part of us is biased,
A little more afraid, we realized,
things don't always go as we say.

Far too often, I witness without seeing,
blinded by my own doubts and perhaps even —
Too worried to ask, far too afraid to have my
deepest doubts proven. Right.

We can be writers, each portraying our own
fashioned after people we think we know.
We can imagine too much, and know too little.
We can be far too creative and way too unrealistic.

We need to wake up earlier,
look out of our own world more often, and for once,
not fantasize but understand.
Bleak skies, black diamonds, queen of hearts
A scene of dark, sinful black.

Far too often, we stare at crows and wonder,
"Thou ugly beasts! Foulest creatures!"
And even more common is for us to forget,
that the crow had never wanted to be black.
We can be darker than the darkest shade of crow feathers.

Giving up

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Okay, I have honestly, fully given up.

I know I haven't been exactly likable and amicable, but hey, give the devil its due. I have been trying and trying and tolerating and giving in and trying to swallow everything, but man I am giving up.

From today on, I am not going to make myself likable.

If you like me as a friend, great, I like you too.

If you don't, then please don't. Don't stress yourself liking me, nor stress yourself hating me. I cannot be bothered any further.

I should have been born as a plant. Ughs.

Laters, going to do PW now.

Trees Bleed

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Trees Bleed

I suppose you never knew this,
but trees bleed,
And all their hurt, you cannot see.
Because outside, trees are silent, brave and stoic

I once saw a bleeding tree,
with it bark torn deep,
I caressed its wound and could -
almost hear it weep.

I sat beside that tree,
whom is thought by the world could never hurt.
For they in their blindness,
pompously assume- what does not show, does not feel.

I pitied the tree,
for in its silence, I saw a semblance of me.
Perhaps once, the tree had laughed and sung and cried,
But then lies were breathed; knives drawn, trunks hacked.

Perhaps then, the tree folded itself
into its realm of silence: still, gaunt, unmoving;
ostensibly strong against the lashing storm,
an emblem of strength and tenacity.

Me and my tree, we sat like past and present,
on the edge of the hubbub of everything,
overlooking serpentine crowds, hidden daggers and sweet poison,
branch in hand, both incarcerated by a distant pain.
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Alright alright, I get it.

I am worthless because I am fat and everything, you have drilled that into my head enough.

I am very well aware of that already, thanks so much.

In the midst of all my stress, we just have to be a little ray of sunshine and crash what little self-esteem I have, isn't that right?

These conflicting mentalities frustrate me to tears.

I get it okay, I am fat!

So now it begs the question, so what?

Leave me and my fats alone, in peace.

Because I May Die

Because I May Die

Death, the morbidity of it
Haunts me like a sickening shroud.
Never had I given it a second thought.
But I may die, and I am scared to die.

I am afraid to die before I tell you things,
I am afraid that the infinite days will be shortened to a mere few.
I am afraid that I would be selfish and hold on
when I should really be letting go.

If I am going to die, if fate condemns me to death,
then at least let me die pretty. Just once.
I had never been pretty, but if I were to die,
I would take a break to pursue it.

How can I love safely, calmly
In the finite days of mine.

Woman Work by Maya Angelou

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Woman Work

I've got the children to tend
The clothes to mend
The floor to mop
The food to shop
Then the chicken to fry
The baby to dry
I got company to feed
The garden to weed
I've got shirts to press
The tots to dress
The can to be cut
I gotta clean up this hut
Then see about the sick
And the cotton to pick.

Shine on me, sunshine
Rain on me, rain
Fall softly, dewdrops
And cool my brow again.

Storm, blow me from here
With your fiercest wind
Let me float across the sky
'Til I can rest again.

Fall gently, snowflakes
Cover me with white
Cold icy kisses and
Let me rest tonight.

Sun, rain, curving sky
Mountain, oceans, leaf and stone
Star shine, moon glow
You're all that I can call my own. 

If you are down in the dumps...

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If you have been feeling morose and glum like I have been feeling recently and also if you are like to further your sadness by listening to sad songs, here are some of my top favorite sad songs:

1. Broken by Seether feat. Amy Lee

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

2. Break Even by The Script

(I prefer Maddi Jane's cover because I like her clear voice and the clear instrumental compared to the more "hip" version by The Script.)

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
(Oh glad you're okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad you're okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no

3. Impossible - Shontelle

Okay I am too lazy to post the lyrics anymore, I am just gonna put the video:

Yes, I put Maddi's version again because I prefer it much more (:

4.Tears of Life

If you are into instrumental, theme of tears from Pokemon The First Movie is a must. It is like a shared favorite of mine and Bryan's.

5. You and I, Feelings Unfulfilled 

From Gundam Seed Destiny

6. Hello to Myself - Kang Sora Version

Enjoy! And sorry if my blog lags too much haha(:


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So close to opening, so close to accepting.
So close to trusting, so close to believing.
A tiny step, a baby step,
reaching shakily for support.
I thought I could trust again.

Too close to liking, too close to relying.
Too close to realizing that I was too close to hurting.
Hasty steps back,
I am withdrawn again.
The opening door closed again.

I am now more wary,
I am now more jaded,
I am now more doubtful,
I am now more cold as they like to call me.
But remember, I was that close to embracing,
But before that I was hurt again.
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People don't get it.
I swear they don't.

They don't and they won't.
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Chinese Lyrics

你想要的 我真的懂

谁来帮我 切断电流

如果 储蓄了回忆没用

拆了我 扔了我
继续爱我 没有结果

请忘了我 请成全我
别心疼我 别可怜我

(Repeat from the start)

English Translation (by me)
If there are no tears,
Why then would my eyes be rusty with moisture
I know what you desire
Yet my cold hands can't fulfill your wishes

I have never thought
that this cold hard of mine would hurt
Who shut my system down,
It won't hurt so much if I am dead

If cherished memories are of no use
Who would believe in love?
Why then would I live on in this empty shell?

Break me down, throw me away
Toss me to the farthest end of earth,
Nothing can happen even if you keep loving me,
It would only be a torture.

Please forget me, please grant me my last wish.
Pretend that we have never loved before,
Don't hurt for me, don't pity me,
I could have never felt pain anyway.

I thought this was a cool song because it was the original soundtrack of Absolute Boyfriend, a sweet and lachrymose drama depicting the love between a girl and her artificial intelligence boyfriend who eventually broke down upon developing human emotions that are not preprogrammed. 

Overall, pretty cool song. (Yep, I am partly too lazy to expound on why I like it so much hehe xD)

Recently I realized that I have changed and matured (maybe) a lot since secondary one. I know you guys would be like all "that's a given", and yes I do agree. However my maturation and change made me rather wistful because I have developed both criticism (bordering on cynicism) and distrust of the world in general.

I know that if I were to point out to people that I don't exactly trust people, some would look at me in shock like "what exactly made you so jaded?", some would look at me in pity, while some would go as far as to try and enlighten me on the importance of trust.

I do agree that to completely not trust the entire human population in general is too pessimistic and too cynical a worldview, but I would also like to establish that:
  1. Trust has to be earned. It is not a given.
  2. Trust can be easily lost.
  3. Trust discerningly.

Most of my experience has told me that one thing that I can seldom trust are words. Words are such frightful things: they can paint illusions and lure you into thinking and believing things that are not true; they can break you and they can make you; and words can hurt.

A lot.

I remember trusting everything a very long time ago. I trusted almost everything people told me, but as time went on, I realized that there was a significant difference what was being said and what was done in a lot of people, and noticing that made me both wary and afraid of what people tell me. I remembering trusting a person deeply once to be hurt again and again by the inconsistency between words and action, and such experience taught me to not believe words in entirety- I would watch, look and observe. If consistency is shown, then I would begin to trust the person.

Trust had made me into a fool in the past, and since it is idiosyncratic of me to frame my views into axioms, I would opine that "Who we are today are molded by our past experiences. Don't judge a person too quickly, because you can never fully understand what happened that shaped the person this way."

I won't go into details about every single thing that had made me into the person I am today, but I just thought that in case someday, someone wonders why I am so skeptical about everything people tells me, it is really because of experience.

Denyse told me that she, like me, doesn't believe people easily. She said that she is cynical, and she don't think that praises and words could affect her, because if there is no believing, there is (almost) no hurting. I personally don't think that Denyse is cynical because I really think that different people have different personalities and different way of thinking. 

I feel sad for Clarissa when she was upset yesterday, and even though I could fume on her behalf on what had happened to her, because I saw how it had affected her, I realized that I was really really livid only because my friend whom I cherished was upset by those nummies. I realized on hindsight that if the same thing have been done to me, I could not feel sad like Clarissa did. Clarissa did well to point out that each of us were different with our own weakness, and I felt bad that such a case had to happen to her. I would sincerely rather have it happen to me just so that Clarissa wouldn't have to go through that.

I admit that very long time ago (like when in sec 1), such an incident would probably have hurt me too. Like how words of others could affect me largely, and how I would feel happy when others praised me, and how I would feel sad when I feel that someone had let me down.

Perhaps I still do feel such now, but the intensity of such feelings are so low that it is a mere shadow of what it had once been.

I had learnt in Sec 1 that the praises and flattery of most people (then, not sure about now) cannot be taken seriously. I had also then learnt that my own words (as in those said in non-serious occasions) cannot be taken seriously because I don't really think twice before speaking. I no longer offend people with my mindless speaking, but instead, praises to others come naturally. 

It is not a bad thing in entirety. I always try to see the good in others such that I could compliment them suitably, and in the process make them feel better about their strong points and also not dwell excessively in their potential shortcomings. (Okay, enough of self-praise/justification)

Gosh, I just went off tangent.

I would have liked to write more, but I really cannot remember my other points- they left my head as I was typing and I am too tired to try and call them back. :/ 

And, I also realized that "I am tired" has become my new front for being sad and silent, because lethargy is well-understood and need no further explanation, while sadness needed explanation. I must be a conflicted, terrible and hard to please individual because when I am sad, both concern and nonchalance bother me.

I need to improve myself and not let my "silent spells" be noticeable enough to affect others. I still remember what someone said to me when I was in Sec 1, "Don't share your f****** pain, the world has enough pain to deal with without yours as well."

Abrupt endings are abrupt. ^^

If I Could Name My Pain

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If I Could Name My Pain
If I could put a name to my pain,
and compare its beauty to the stark white skies
and the blue phantoms of the sea,
I would.

If I could portend my fate before all is too late, 
and unwind time over and over to relive the moment
where we fell together like two particles in the universe,
I would.

If somehow the sky is red and the earth is sqaure,
and that we could unknowingly fall off its edge,
but I would assume that the universe is limited and
I would find you.

If somehow fate has other plans for us,
and if destiny are to tear us apart,
and we are robbed of our "happily-ever-after",
I would seek you, hold you, and rewrite the tale.

If somehow I should be forced to leave you,
and if our frail human minds deteriorate with the passing of time,
and if you have already forgotten me like how I will never forget you,
I would be in pain, yet I would rest in peace too.