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Because I May Die

Because I May Die

Death, the morbidity of it
Haunts me like a sickening shroud.
Never had I given it a second thought.
But I may die, and I am scared to die.

I am afraid to die before I tell you things,
I am afraid that the infinite days will be shortened to a mere few.
I am afraid that I would be selfish and hold on
when I should really be letting go.

If I am going to die, if fate condemns me to death,
then at least let me die pretty. Just once.
I had never been pretty, but if I were to die,
I would take a break to pursue it.

How can I love safely, calmly
In the finite days of mine.

Woman Work by Maya Angelou

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Woman Work

I've got the children to tend
The clothes to mend
The floor to mop
The food to shop
Then the chicken to fry
The baby to dry
I got company to feed
The garden to weed
I've got shirts to press
The tots to dress
The can to be cut
I gotta clean up this hut
Then see about the sick
And the cotton to pick.

Shine on me, sunshine
Rain on me, rain
Fall softly, dewdrops
And cool my brow again.

Storm, blow me from here
With your fiercest wind
Let me float across the sky
'Til I can rest again.

Fall gently, snowflakes
Cover me with white
Cold icy kisses and
Let me rest tonight.

Sun, rain, curving sky
Mountain, oceans, leaf and stone
Star shine, moon glow
You're all that I can call my own. 

If you are down in the dumps...

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If you have been feeling morose and glum like I have been feeling recently and also if you are like to further your sadness by listening to sad songs, here are some of my top favorite sad songs:

1. Broken by Seether feat. Amy Lee

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

2. Break Even by The Script

(I prefer Maddi Jane's cover because I like her clear voice and the clear instrumental compared to the more "hip" version by The Script.)

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
(Oh glad you're okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad you're okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no

3. Impossible - Shontelle

Okay I am too lazy to post the lyrics anymore, I am just gonna put the video:

Yes, I put Maddi's version again because I prefer it much more (:

4.Tears of Life

If you are into instrumental, theme of tears from Pokemon The First Movie is a must. It is like a shared favorite of mine and Bryan's.

5. You and I, Feelings Unfulfilled 

From Gundam Seed Destiny

6. Hello to Myself - Kang Sora Version

Enjoy! And sorry if my blog lags too much haha(:


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So close to opening, so close to accepting.
So close to trusting, so close to believing.
A tiny step, a baby step,
reaching shakily for support.
I thought I could trust again.

Too close to liking, too close to relying.
Too close to realizing that I was too close to hurting.
Hasty steps back,
I am withdrawn again.
The opening door closed again.

I am now more wary,
I am now more jaded,
I am now more doubtful,
I am now more cold as they like to call me.
But remember, I was that close to embracing,
But before that I was hurt again.
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People don't get it.
I swear they don't.

They don't and they won't.
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Chinese Lyrics

你想要的 我真的懂

谁来帮我 切断电流

如果 储蓄了回忆没用

拆了我 扔了我
继续爱我 没有结果

请忘了我 请成全我
别心疼我 别可怜我

(Repeat from the start)

English Translation (by me)
If there are no tears,
Why then would my eyes be rusty with moisture
I know what you desire
Yet my cold hands can't fulfill your wishes

I have never thought
that this cold hard of mine would hurt
Who shut my system down,
It won't hurt so much if I am dead

If cherished memories are of no use
Who would believe in love?
Why then would I live on in this empty shell?

Break me down, throw me away
Toss me to the farthest end of earth,
Nothing can happen even if you keep loving me,
It would only be a torture.

Please forget me, please grant me my last wish.
Pretend that we have never loved before,
Don't hurt for me, don't pity me,
I could have never felt pain anyway.

I thought this was a cool song because it was the original soundtrack of Absolute Boyfriend, a sweet and lachrymose drama depicting the love between a girl and her artificial intelligence boyfriend who eventually broke down upon developing human emotions that are not preprogrammed. 

Overall, pretty cool song. (Yep, I am partly too lazy to expound on why I like it so much hehe xD)

Recently I realized that I have changed and matured (maybe) a lot since secondary one. I know you guys would be like all "that's a given", and yes I do agree. However my maturation and change made me rather wistful because I have developed both criticism (bordering on cynicism) and distrust of the world in general.

I know that if I were to point out to people that I don't exactly trust people, some would look at me in shock like "what exactly made you so jaded?", some would look at me in pity, while some would go as far as to try and enlighten me on the importance of trust.

I do agree that to completely not trust the entire human population in general is too pessimistic and too cynical a worldview, but I would also like to establish that:
  1. Trust has to be earned. It is not a given.
  2. Trust can be easily lost.
  3. Trust discerningly.

Most of my experience has told me that one thing that I can seldom trust are words. Words are such frightful things: they can paint illusions and lure you into thinking and believing things that are not true; they can break you and they can make you; and words can hurt.

A lot.

I remember trusting everything a very long time ago. I trusted almost everything people told me, but as time went on, I realized that there was a significant difference what was being said and what was done in a lot of people, and noticing that made me both wary and afraid of what people tell me. I remembering trusting a person deeply once to be hurt again and again by the inconsistency between words and action, and such experience taught me to not believe words in entirety- I would watch, look and observe. If consistency is shown, then I would begin to trust the person.

Trust had made me into a fool in the past, and since it is idiosyncratic of me to frame my views into axioms, I would opine that "Who we are today are molded by our past experiences. Don't judge a person too quickly, because you can never fully understand what happened that shaped the person this way."

I won't go into details about every single thing that had made me into the person I am today, but I just thought that in case someday, someone wonders why I am so skeptical about everything people tells me, it is really because of experience.

Denyse told me that she, like me, doesn't believe people easily. She said that she is cynical, and she don't think that praises and words could affect her, because if there is no believing, there is (almost) no hurting. I personally don't think that Denyse is cynical because I really think that different people have different personalities and different way of thinking. 

I feel sad for Clarissa when she was upset yesterday, and even though I could fume on her behalf on what had happened to her, because I saw how it had affected her, I realized that I was really really livid only because my friend whom I cherished was upset by those nummies. I realized on hindsight that if the same thing have been done to me, I could not feel sad like Clarissa did. Clarissa did well to point out that each of us were different with our own weakness, and I felt bad that such a case had to happen to her. I would sincerely rather have it happen to me just so that Clarissa wouldn't have to go through that.

I admit that very long time ago (like when in sec 1), such an incident would probably have hurt me too. Like how words of others could affect me largely, and how I would feel happy when others praised me, and how I would feel sad when I feel that someone had let me down.

Perhaps I still do feel such now, but the intensity of such feelings are so low that it is a mere shadow of what it had once been.

I had learnt in Sec 1 that the praises and flattery of most people (then, not sure about now) cannot be taken seriously. I had also then learnt that my own words (as in those said in non-serious occasions) cannot be taken seriously because I don't really think twice before speaking. I no longer offend people with my mindless speaking, but instead, praises to others come naturally. 

It is not a bad thing in entirety. I always try to see the good in others such that I could compliment them suitably, and in the process make them feel better about their strong points and also not dwell excessively in their potential shortcomings. (Okay, enough of self-praise/justification)

Gosh, I just went off tangent.

I would have liked to write more, but I really cannot remember my other points- they left my head as I was typing and I am too tired to try and call them back. :/ 

And, I also realized that "I am tired" has become my new front for being sad and silent, because lethargy is well-understood and need no further explanation, while sadness needed explanation. I must be a conflicted, terrible and hard to please individual because when I am sad, both concern and nonchalance bother me.

I need to improve myself and not let my "silent spells" be noticeable enough to affect others. I still remember what someone said to me when I was in Sec 1, "Don't share your f****** pain, the world has enough pain to deal with without yours as well."

Abrupt endings are abrupt. ^^

If I Could Name My Pain

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If I Could Name My Pain
If I could put a name to my pain,
and compare its beauty to the stark white skies
and the blue phantoms of the sea,
I would.

If I could portend my fate before all is too late, 
and unwind time over and over to relive the moment
where we fell together like two particles in the universe,
I would.

If somehow the sky is red and the earth is sqaure,
and that we could unknowingly fall off its edge,
but I would assume that the universe is limited and
I would find you.

If somehow fate has other plans for us,
and if destiny are to tear us apart,
and we are robbed of our "happily-ever-after",
I would seek you, hold you, and rewrite the tale.

If somehow I should be forced to leave you,
and if our frail human minds deteriorate with the passing of time,
and if you have already forgotten me like how I will never forget you,
I would be in pain, yet I would rest in peace too.

Mystery Cosmetic

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Sponsored Review

This is a teaser to arouse your interest for something COOL, AMAZING, something that totally revolutionize the BB cream industry with its easy use, good cover and skin benefits.

New Start

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I have been wanting to change my blog URL for a while because I have found it to be rather ridiculous to have my URL claiming itself to be "yourfashionsense" while the blog title asks one to live and dictate.

So after the change, they both tally!

Truthfully I am indeed very hesitant and very worried because the original URL has stuck around with the readers for a while and I am afraid that my views will drop drastically after changing the URL, so I stuck with this (on the hindsight, rather odd) URL for as long as I could bear it.

But then I decided that it is better to change it now than later, and if, I am saying if, my blog does lose whatever little bit of popularity it has, I can always work hard to gain it back later on.

Like after promotional exams.

After such a daring move, I do have second thoughts about it, and yes I do expect my views to drop to maybe less than hundred a day?

I guess I can live with it then...and I will probably have to tell all sponsors that maybe you guys can wait for my blog to become more exposed before coming back for maximum publicity? *chuckles*

Oh, and how is the new header?
I felt like I needed a change...

The header's source is from:http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/flowers/images/32897796/title/spring-snowdrops-wallpaper-wallpaper

Do check it out when you are free (:

Thanks everyone and keep safe! :D

Nasty Days

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Damn, I have been having some pretty bad days recently.

For one thing today was a pretty darn horrible day. I woke up with a buzzing head and a throbbing temple and blocked nose and every terrible feeling one can possibly feel and was so disgusted with the fact that I have to still make my way to school despite me feel like I was half-dead.

Not to mention that my weekends are always severely tiring, even more so than weekdays, so they did me no good at all for me to rest and recuperate from a torturous week at school.

And once again, I shall reiterate that I am grateful for my education and yes I am thankful towards my parents for supporting my education, but this does not mean that education is as rosy as we all wish it to be. Far too often I feel too tired, too overworked and too under-rested.

Anyways, there are like 2 tests tomorrow and I have a funny feeling in my tummy, I hope it is going to turn out well anyways.

Wednesday the originally good day has ended up trashy too because I have CCA for 3 hours, (THREE HOURS ON NATIONAL DAY EVE I KID YOU NOT THIS IS BLOODY MURDER).

But too bad, I need to get all my CCA points for this year and thinking on the bright side, it is on a mock-MUN so it should be quite interesting to hear other people talk. I don't plan to speak up much because I am assigned to be the delegate of India, which is like so UGH again because I know naught about India, while Kevin got China. *sobs sobs* I want China! Why does Kevin get all the good things in life harrrumpph >(

Oh yeah whatever, I am seriously ranting now but forgive me because I am too tired to think straight, but I wanted to complain anyway, but mom is asleep so all I have left is this blog.


Okay, okay I shall go sleep now. This is honestly a crappy, shallow and valueless post, but guess what? Not everything in life needs to have a value. So live with it, live with this, live with my rants, yeah? :D

Thanks, nights and take cares! (:


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Sometimes I cry to myself for seemingly no reason at all.

I just do.

It could have stress, it could have been weakness, it could have been for purely trivial reasons.
Strangely it feels good at times to cry it out rather than to pretend that everything is fine and great all the time.

What Dol said made a lot of sense, there are just these times when you feel like telling people that "No, I am not okay. I am screwed up and I am in a terrible mood. What should I do?"

But for me, rather to see the horror struck face of people (for it would make me immensely guilty, whoever it is), I kept to "Yes, I am fine. Thank you for asking." standard answer.

It feels hypocritical to be feeling one thing and saying another, but I suppose white lies are sometimes necessary to protect others from what they need not know.

Maybe sometimes I will confuse my priorities, but after tears, after sadness, I would be all okay again with my priorities set straight. I know what is dearest to me and what I have to protect.

Nothing else would matter.