Some updates(:

I realized I haven't blogged in a while.

I suppose it won't be entirely true to say that I am so busy that I cannot spend half to one hour blogging, it is more of the fact that I usually pre-blog the post out in my head to see if I like how it sounds, and it usually results in two things:

1. I really really like the way it sounds in my head, but then I can't write it down instantly since I am usually on the bus, and by the time I have access to computer, the excitement over my imaginary post has died down. Has anyone ever mentioned that passion is very important?
2. I don't like the way it sounds in my head.

Sometimes I do sit down to write a post, only to stop enjoying what I am writing halfway (Man, that could be like a thousand words or so sometimes), and then I decide to scrape it all because I don't want to share things that I have lost interest in.

Okay anyways, I decided to rant a little bit. Again about things that some how tickle my nerves. Which I just saw somewhere to remind me how much I dislike it.

1. I don't really like daylight saints, or extreme saints. Yes, probably because I am the Wicked Witch of the West (wooh! that actually sounds cool, like WWOW) and I dislike anything cheerful and sunshiny and overtly warm and fluffy because I keep having the feeling that there would be a duality. Like you know, what is underneath all those sunshine? More sunshine? Where are the clouds? Ah, I am a freaking cynic and I love it. 

So it is like whenever I watch TV, and there are these saints riding around on their moral high horses and inundating the world with their high principles, I sit on my couch rolling my eyes so hard that if it could do a 360 swivel, it would. And saints preach almost the same thing, "Forgive and forget." Forget them saints, listen to WWOW, forgive but don't forget, who knows when you will get cheated and hurt again?

2. I really don't like Instagram and its wagon of stupid HASHTAGS. I would have hash-tagged that but thanks to the marvellous virus that my computer is suffering from, it is locking down my hashtag and I cannot hashtag. 

On a sidenote, it screwed up every other keyboard punctuation apart from my comma and fullstop and my apostrophe. *yells in frustration*

I think I have a teeny little right to announce my distaste for Instagram because I have used it before, and therefore I cannot be accused of "not giving it a chance". It is like, the App itself is not that bad, apart from the fact that it is like a virtual Vanity Fair with stuff like OOTD (Outfit of the day) and what LOTD (look of the day) and whatnots. It is like this constant grovelling for attention from others to assure oneself of one's existence (as rightly sited by a comprehension that I did). Another thing is that almost every photo looks the same. It is like the same boring filters applied and reapplied and called art, which is a bit like bleargh because I rather look at a normal ugly photo than one that looks like every other "artsy photo".

3. I really dislike the "internet language" or the "internet slang". It is like why would anyone spell things in an awkward and really non-fashionable manner when it can be spelt properly. My pet peeves include:

Come - cum (seriously it is just one alphabet, and it changes the whole meaning)

Sorry - soz (or something I cannot remember)

Cry - Crey (WHY? WHY? Why add a letter and make it alien?)

What - Whut (okay not the most annoying, since the latter does ascribe a tone of annoyance and agitation to the word)

Mixing in all kinds of numbers to replace words

I can't recall anymore at the top of my head, but I really would prefer conversations to be written in understandable English. Not that we have to spell everything exactly like,

"I have to finish up my homeowork, will talk to you later okay? Or see you tomorrow!"

I mean, this is still understandable:

" I've to finish my hw, ttyl kay? Cya tmr!"

Like just some alterations don't even shorten the word, so I don't even know why people do it.

Anyways, I originally intended to type more, but then I realised I still have not done my Chem home-based learning work (HBL) , so I have to scoot off and do it. Gah, me thinks that HBL is very pointless, and sometimes I imagine that it is the school's way of feeling less guilty about giving us a break. But then we are really shortchanged because I am pretty sure we DO NOT have all the subject lessons even on a school day, so why must HBL include all the subjects? Can't nobody take a break aish.

And, angst angst, three (and half, but really half doesn't count) weeks to blocks and I have not started revision. Lord bless inefficiency. I crey cry.

I suppose sometimes it is eye-opening to look around the real world than to live in my own make-belief one. I witness things that are vastly different from my imagination, I get disappointed, I learn, I realized that hey, fiction remains fiction, while facts don't change.

So a spin around the world, suddenly makes me appreciate many things, many people, many qualities better.

It made me relieved that I haven't sunken in too far to pull myself out of it, and that I am still clear-headed enough to tell myself where to draw the lines.

Maybe being a spectator is always better than being a participant.

Not everything has to be learnt through experience; we can learn it through witnessing.

Why practicality can be a terrifying thing

I remember announcing my interest to go for a physic talk on the Standard Atom and Higgs Boson, and possibly even glimpsing the particle accelerator, The Large Hadron Collider with excitement. (Even though I honestly doubt that it is the real Large Hadron Collider, I mean there is no way they can actually import it from CERN right? Probably a miniature...or a non-functional model.)

I also remembered the shock and incredulous face of the one who was listening to me.

"Are you crazy?" she asked, "You don't even take physics. Besides, at such a time, isn't focusing on your work more important?"

Yes, yes I am crazy.
And yes again, I don't even take physics. I wonder why.

While I don't regret taking Biology so much unless it is the day before exams and you realize you have to cram about 5 topics in half a day, I sometimes do wish that I had taken physics instead. It just appeals to me more, and I enjoyed learning it so much more.

One of the best choices in my life was my insistence on NEVER taking economics, because heck all those people who draw glowing appreciation of how useful economics is in allowing one to understand...(well yeah) economics, and how it can be a stepping stone to becoming a business man/woman.

I don't even aspire to become a business(wo)man in that sense, so I wan't about to torture myself over charts and diagram that resembled pig Latin to me for two whole years and really ended up learning nothing. In my opinion, Literature (for me) is way more enlightening, relaxing and mind-opening in so many ways. It is like this one lesson that you look forward to in a day that helps to offset all the other monotones that I have no choice but to face. And thankfully, I love GP too, so that makes it frequently two pleasant things in one day of bore.

Practicality can be a terrifying thing. I was persuaded, encouraged and warned against taking literature because of a multitudinous reasons such as, "it is hard to secure a definite good score", "your school's economics notes are way better and more helpful" and also because "what will lit do for you in the future?"

Yep, literature probably isn't going to be helping my job in the future.

But isn't it the same for those who take BCME or PCME, where they probably don't plan to be a biologist, chemist or engineer while being a business man in a pressed suit?

Why can't we study something (or go for a talk on something) simply because we are interested in it? Is that so "practically" reprehensive?

Indeed, now doesn't seem like the good time to be partaking in something that is outside of curriculum because of the looming prospect of the Great Terror of A-levels, as any man of practical reasoning propagates. We have to think practically, and do what is important first, they say.

This is exactly why practicality is so terrifying.

Practicality encourages one to always choose the more logical, the more sensible, the less reckless thing to do. It tells us to finish tasks with closer deadline, handle things that are "more important" and engage in activities that will ultimately benefit us, in a measurable and recognizable way.

In essence, it attempts to compel us to do whatever that is due and therefore supposedly more important, instead of having the chance to venture into something we might actually enjoy doing.

I am surrounded by voices of reason almost all the time, my own included. These voices of reason guide me to do the "right" things, the "good" things and usually the boring things. Whenever my personal voice of reason go for a holiday, external ones are quick to replace it, and they are fast in evolving into nagging, nerve-pricking voices of over-pragmatism and bore.

Sometimes I portend my future to be dismally boring and dull because of these voices of reason. Sure, I may get a good job with a good salary. Yes, I may have a good family with good (and hopefully not overly-practical) kids that will make me happy most of the time. But I was just thinking, even so I may never be happy. Being practical, I would have abandon a dream job for a dry one because of its higher pay, and I would be practical enough to marry a practical man and then have practical children.

So there will be this whole viscous cycle of practicality.

Worse thing is, if your practicality and hence misfortune is the corollary of always heeding the practical advice of others, you have no one to blame, except yourself.

You listen to the teachers at school who tell you to do certain things. You listen to your mom who has been telling you things and influencing you almost your whole life (or whole life up till you decided to develop an opinion of your own). You are the good, sensible child who knows how to prioritize (and prioritize seems to be increasingly more of "completing what is urgent" rather than "completing what is important") and never worry your parents. A good wife/husband and a good employee.

But it may always feel like you are lacking something. A vibe. A life.

I am not proposing that we should close our ears and stop paying heed to all the grown-up's advice, because undeniably they with their grey hairs have experienced more and (probably) understand more. Listen to them, but listen actively and not passively. What is true for them may not be the same for us, for you. What works for them, what makes them happy may not work for you. Listen to them and access their advice before choosing to heed it or simply take it with a pinch of salt.

If they live their life in a blissful bore, do you plan to do the same?

My plan is that I would balance my overwhelming sense of practicality with occasional recklessness, idealism and iconoclastic behavior. I know at certain points that practicality will still reign, but then at least I am sure, that practicality has stemmed from me, and is not infused into me.

Physics talk for a biology-literature student? Hell yes.

But at another time perhaps, when it does not coincide with the school day where I have both Literature and GP lessons.

Itoh Collagen Powder Review

Sponsored Review

1 sachet of drink powder

I know I have not updated in a while, but hey, I am finally back with another review! This time, I have tried the Itoh collagen powder drink to share with you guys.

To write this post well, I have done some proper research, and to my horror, collagen can be lost so easily and through so many ways! According to a post by Huffingtonpost, collagen killers include smoking, poor nutrition, poor hydration, too much stress...and even the sun.

Do you guys know what this means?

This means that I feel that, as Singaporeans,we are even more prone to losing our collagen and more susceptible to unattractive sagging skin because of our fast-paced and hence more stressful lifestyles, the allure of delicious but unhealthy delicacies such as char-siew rice, grilled chicken rice, char-kway-teow and of course...

THE SUN.

We enjoy hot summer days all year round, with the sun beating down on us mercilessly, killing the collagen in our skin and causing the premature aging and wrinkling of skin. While other people in countries that experience more gloomy days continue to look radiant at age 30, we unfortunately start to show signs of aging.

This is exactly why there is a need to combat this loss of collagen by replenishing collagen supplies with itoh collagen powder drink.

It is not only tasteless and hence versatile, it is also convenient and easy to add into one's daily diet.

Itoh Collagen Powder Drink

I think that the 2 best things about this drink powder is that first it is non-fattening. That is very important, considering that it is a beauty supplement that you are going to ingest daily, I am absolutely sure that we would not want to trade in slim figures for good skin when now we can have both!

Check it out! 0 fats!

The second best thing is that it is absolutely tasteless, and hence you can add it into any beverage or even soup you like! That not only makes the drinking more interesting, but also more convenient: since you can drink with plain water and still enjoy it.

Ways to enjoy your collagen powder drink.

And even more ways!

I drink mine with honey, because I have a sweet tooth ;)

Short and simple steps, yum!

Here are some FAQs about Itoh Collagen Powder!

1. Suggested dosage?
1-3 sachets per day, preferably taken before sleeping or on an empty stomach!

2. How long will it take to see results?
Results are usually visible after one or two weeks but may vary with individuals.

3. Is it vegetarian or halal?
So sorry, it it neither vegetarian nor halal :(

(source: link)

oops drank one already!

Itoh collagen powder is now available in Watsons for $49.90 per box of 14 sachets! Also, you can get a FREE SAMPLE from the The Sample Store mailed to you for free to try it out before purchasing!

Check out the video and thank you for reading! :)
Also, thank you Sample Store for the product!

of Food and Skies

Okay, today's post is going to be about a mish-mosh of things because I really want to delete a lot of old pictures off my hard-drive and so it is going onto this blog, and perhaps someday when I am 80, old and toothless I can come back here and laugh myself silly.

Starting off with some picture of food:

Swensen's Icecream

I went out a lot with Denyse this year to eat all kind of stuff, and I must say that the nicest stuff ever is when we spent 20 dollars or so in Swensens, on this icecream and ...

Mozzarella Cheesesticks 

It is supposed to be 4 sticks, but then we were so greedy that we wolf down two before we were like, uh maybe we should take a photo or something (because ain't food-whoring the trend eh?).

So yup, great experience at Swensens.

Oh god yes I remember how I was so worried that the voucher won't work, and how we would embarrass ourselves by being unable to pay up after eating all those food that we might have to end up washing dishes to pay them back. Then we imagine Swensens calling down our principal and the media and everything gets so blown out of proportion that somehow people in Guatemala and Saudi Arabia ends up knowing about our shameless deeds. Not.

Thank god no such things happened.\

Burger Shack Cheese Fries

We had burger shack fries ones with all three of us, Clarissa, Denyse and me, then I suspected that those two got addicted to the cheese and kept wanting to go back. I went back with Denyse for the fries 2 times more after that (Clarissa was doing something else), and Denyse went with Clarissa once. 

Conclusion? Denyse never misses any chance of having cheese fries. ^_^

Here comes the bad memory...

D'good Cafe Cappuccino Macchiato

Currently I sort of associate D'good Cafe with bad experiences NOT BECAUSE OF THE CAFE but because of what happened there. 

PW

You heard it. If I ever rambled to you about the horrors of PW, you will know why anything that has even a fragment associated with PW will be automatically labelled in my head as terrifying memories that I struggle to keep locked in my subconsciousness. 

The coffee I ordered was too bitter and not what I expected, because while caramel macchiato is awesome, cappucino macchiato is just like grossly bitter. Bleargh.

But nothing ever beats the bitterness of PW. Bahahahahaha.

Here comes the home-made food next:

It looks rather delicious right? It was!

Basically it is just bread with egg on one side, filled with bits of melted mozzarella cheese and toasted on the other side, finally drizzled with honey.

Oh yum!

In case you want to know how to cook it, here is how:

1. Make your egg batter

2. Grate mozzarella cheese; if it is grated, then yay you.

3. Heat the pan (with oil) and put about 1/3 the egg batter (any more and it won't stick onto the bread!)

4. Drizzle mozzarella cheese over the egg mixture in the pan before it has been fully cooked.

5. Put the bread (any bread!) onto the "wetter" side of the egg (aka the one facing the top with the cheese, aye?) and pat the bread down, make sure that the egg sticks!

That marks the end of the food photos in my phone heh xD

Nanyang's (rather awkward) Cafe

According to Jiaqi who actually bought the coffee and drank it, said it was dubious and not good and she regretted buying things for the sake of supporting people (exactly why I never do that, not worth the bad taste in my mouth). 

I sort of like the porch idea (and dear lord I keep spelling porch as Porche) but on rainy days it is too wet to even sit. 

So blearrrgh, allow the cynic in me to be unleashed.

Of course we have to leave our names there, tralala, our whole clique that went back. I am curious because I am distracted, did the word cliche evolved from the word clique? Hmmm... I feel like I am high on eggs.

The Amazing Sky one morning....

Sky at Dawn

Sky before nightfall, that really bright spot is the moon, and I swear this photo does not do the sky justice because it was the most beautiful colour I have ever seen. Like this soft turquoise that fades into darker blue than black. The moon was just dangling in it like a single piece of gleaming jewel.

The sight made one euphoric. 

Thunderstorm sky...

I loved how bleak and grey the first one is, and I was totally amazed that such a good photo can be taken with just an Iphone, third generation somemore. The only thing that spoils the beauty of the bleakness is the reflection of the light in the window, but if I didn't turn on the lights, the photo would be very pixellated. 

I love the wet look of the wall on the left in the first photo, don't you?

I think that's about all for now, I will write more later on because I think anything else will just spoil the effect created by that thunderstorm we have here. :3

See y'all!

Hair Trimmed

I got my hair trimmed this morning because my mom sort of like forced me to. I was in a dilemma partly because my hair did get rather heavy, but I sort of also liked the way it was.

Besides, trimmed hair has never felt the same as the original.

Oh, I got my side-bangs trimmed too. Was considering fringes, but decided against it for fringes are view-blockingly evil. Furthermore, my forehead is full of sweat glands that are not to be provoked.

Weather is deliciously wet, cool, and moist with lovely swishing sound of gentle rain on the asphalt pavement.

Life is good and...

MAN I LOVE HOLIDAYS muahahahahaha!

Underappreciated

Have been feeling under-appreciated lately.

Not even sure of why.

Okay okay maybe I know, just that I don't want to share it, sorry heh xD.

Basically, I am going to keep quiet from now on during ALL lessons and not let my opinions be heard. I am curious to see if there would be any difference if I suddenly stop being so noisy, and I wonder if anyone would even notice if I am quiet/ non-present.

Okay, I am in my grumpy and self-deprecating mood.

It will pass, la~la~la.

An Analysis of Ye Shi Ren Sheng Characters

Other related posts:
Ye Shi Ren Sheng 5/7/14 Update
Ye Shi Ren Sheng 07/10/12 Recap

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yes yes I know you are judging me because of two things right now:

1. Why do you watch that long winded show?
    Hey it is actually quite nice okay!

2. What!? Why do you like You Hui?
 
I shall tell you why exactly.

I think out of all the characters in Ye Shi Ren Sheng (YSRS for short), she is the most realistically crafted, most real character unlike the other characters that seem to be more of caricatures than someone who actually walks on the planet. To prove my point, let me explain why I don't like the other characterization of the other lead roles as much.

Ye Ru Yi

Sweet, kind, patient, tolerant and exceedingly gentle and beautiful, Ru Yi's character encompasses every good trait that a man can ever want in a wife. She is kind and tolerant to even those who has hurt her, she forgives those who have hurt her so much (like Chun Chun) and sometimes she stands up for herself. Furthermore, she seems to be capable in managing business and talented in marketing and true and loyal to her husband, what more can you want?

All these traits are exactly what makes her so unbelievable as a character. Unrealistic and surreal.

Why?

I mean look at her treatment of Chun Chun and her father-in-law who had given her so much hard times and made things so difficult for her. She is constantly and supposedly genuinely caring and tolerant to even her father-in-law who rudely chases her out on countless times unceremoniously. She offers Chun Chun advice and comfort and is a true and dependable friend and family to her when 1. Chun Chun stole her ex-boyfriend Laifa, 2. made things hell for her 3. scheme and plotted against her and gave her so much trouble.

It seems exceeding unrealistic to me that a person's tolerance, while laudable, can be that far-reaching and that a person has such a great capacity for forgiveness.

It seems even odder that when she developed ovarian cancer, she is still worried about You Hui when I expected a normal and real person to go like, "Holy turtles and crayfishes! Save me someone!"

My opinion is that Ru Yi is not crafted in order to be a real character of sufficient depths and "roundness" for exploration, but a flat, one-dimensional character, the embodiment of the "damsel-in-distress" archetype.

Remember that time when Amy was using her fake "leg-paralysis" stunt to hold onto Zhi Qiang? Ru Yi is always portrayed to be the one falling in the schemes of others like Laifa and Amy, and she is seen to be always forgiving the ruthless machination of these villians.

Even odder is the fact that she does exactly what we expect a damsel-in-distress (DID for short) to do, and that is to always appear to be strong in front of the others, and cry to herself when she is alone, making all the audience feel sorry for her because this is exactly what DID does.

In order to complete and complement her DID archetype, she is also constantly pulled out of sticky situations and brought into happiness by her various knights-in-shining-armors.

Look at Zhi Qiang for example. 

He is always standing up for Ru Yi who never really stands up for herself, and it seems like it is his job to defend her against the tirade of Chun Chun and Laifa when they were still married.

Then look at Ru Yi's father-in-law.

He is another person who was constantly defending her when she is accused of something, and so far I have not seen Ru Yi defending herself with evidences and argument like You Hui always does. Instead, most of the time she just looks helpless, hurt and wronged whenever someone maligns her again.

Then we have the list of Ru Yi's Dad (Ye Han Liang), You Hui, You Zhi, Yue Xia, Bing Ding and his wife... who are always jumping to Ru Yi's defence.

Ru Yi is more or less cast as this unbelievably saintly girl who has the love of all her family and friends and is extremely kind and sweet because she is simply incapable of malice.

Her position as a tragic heroine is reinforced through the setting up of her tragic back-story: her mother passed away while she was a young child; she worked herself to bones sending that ingrate of a boyfriend to university, fulfilling his dream of becoming a doctor only for him to ditch her for a loaded girl.

To top it all off, she gets terminal ovarian cancer just when she manages to attain her happiness.

Her entire life is made to be such a painful and heart-breaking tragedy (partly stemming from her own rather spineless character and a dose of ill-luck) that we cannot help but weep for her when she sobs by herself over her limited time left.

I, for one, cried my heart out.

This is exactly why Ru Yi's role is not meant to be a round character, but she serves to be a representation of the "kind, tolerant and everything positive" in the world to give the drama the much needed balance whenever we see too much of Laifa, Dafeng and Amy.

More so, her character serves to influence the people who are watching the show to hopefully become as kind and as forgiving as she is, although it is rather unappealing that someone this perfect should be penned to death with a terminal illness. Maybe that goes to bring in the reality factor into the show to bring across the point that not every kind princess has her happily-ever-after?

Yep, that is pretty much why I don't really like her much because I find her too unreal and too perfect and unselfish to be a realistic being.

Lee You Hui

In stark contrast, You Hui is a much more real and well-written character for she depicts the common trait that is common in human beings: selfishness.

Indeed, You Hui can definitely be a pain in the ass at times with her endless plotting and scheming against the other asses in the show, and I am sure many of us are itching to whack her whenever she does not display gratitude towards her brother and mother's unconditional love and care.

Her whining get on my nerves at times too.

But overall, she is portrayed as a very realistic and imaginable character: she has the "every man for himself" streak that often shows whenever she desires something or someone, be it money, Haotian or Dafeng.

She is cunning and machinating, and she will devise devious plans to get what she wants, and her two-facedness is also not uncommon in the real world. While it could be unpleasant to watch her smile at one moment to smirking at the other moment, I question, doesn't that happen in real life too?

Haven't you ever bowed down to authority just to get out of trouble, then mutter and curse once you are out of harm's way?

Haven't you faked sickness just to ditch one day of school perhaps?

This is exactly what You Hui is doing, just that hers is the adult version of the real world "out there".

Beneath her cold, heartless and seemingly overly utilitarian exterior, You Hui has the kind side that I believe that is present in everyone.

Fiercely loyal to her close friends and family, You Hui is one friend that one can turn to for help or confide in when in trouble and rest assured that she would help you (sometimes by breaking a law or two). She is also one who will go to extreme ends to defend her family members, and is also one who is very protective of her family and will do anything to hold her family together.

Look at how she helped Ru Yi to get back with Zhi Qiang for instance. Without her taser and merciless daunting of Amy, Amy probably will be married to Zhi Qiang now, still faking that her legs are paralyzed.

When her brother, You Zhi's company needed funds, she gave him the sum of money that she managed to get from Hao Tian without a word to tide him over.

This duality in her character is what makes her much more real compared to Ru Yi who seems to live by the motto of "Love your friends and love your enemies more". I find it hard to believe that someone can be kind to even those who harmed oneself countless times, and while I agree that it is unnecessary to seek revenge at every instance, I find You Hui's selective loyalty and love much more compelling in contrast with Ru Yi's unconditional kindness towards all.

Strangely, I find that You Hui's frequent bursts of anger that is coupled with screaming yelling and basically going crazy and wrecking havoc everywhere accentuates the solidness of her character.

She is a perfect depiction of what it is like to be so furious and frustrated with everyone that one simply loses control with the amount of pent-up rage and hurt. More importantly, the show has given her enough reasons to be angry and frustrated:

• Her father left her and the family for a richer woman, abandoning her.
• Her first boyfriend slept with the step-sister she loathes.
• Her second boyfriend and husband was so mercurial that he indirectly caused her miscarriage.
• She loses the child which she staked everything on, literally.
• She divorces her husband because she was cheated by her first boyfriend.
• Her first boyfriend heals her through deceit and cruelly dumps her.
• Her husband's family took over her brother's business so that her 1st boyfriend is made the CEO. 
• She gets insulted too often.

Yes, I mean some of us may think that she deserves all these, but personally while I feel that she did bring some of these bad consequences upon herself, I still feel really bad and sorry for her.

It is as though her father's leaving served as a catalyst for her to be over-competitive and possessive, which resulted in her stubborn character that made many of the bad things happen.

Whenever she screams and yells at her mom (which I will frown and cringe at), I can still tell that she is sincerely upset with the loss of her father. Even more believable is her never failing to show extreme signs of remorse after she has lost her temper with her mom.

It is like sometimes my mom yell at me for almost nothing and she will feel bad too.

I can totally empathize with the lost of control of one's emotions and taking it out on someone you love, only to have that person crying for you and comforting you. The guilt and remorse can sometimes be even stronger an emotion than the original anger.

I think Daisy Fong (actress) portrayed this role super well.

Okay I am too tired to type further, so let's end it here, haha.

Endoscopy and Stuff~

I went to do endoscopy yesterday because my stomach has been giving me problems again. Mom got really worried that it could be a relapse of Helicobacter Pylori infection or maybe even cancer.

Honestly speaking, the fear of having a tube shoved down your throat into your stomach is really much much worse than actually having a tube shoved down your throat into your stomach.

For all of you who are lucky enough to have not done endoscopy before, or just too lazy to google a picture, here is how an endoscope looks like.

Now imagine having that freaky black thing crammed down your throat.

I was thinking about the thousand bad things that can go wrong (like perforating my tummy or my intestines) and a million Final-Destination-reque freak accidents like they accidentally put too much anesthetic into me and I just die.

Basically, I am pretty much a coward and was really freaked out.

When I was lying on that arm-chair like thingy, I was literally shaking and trembling under the blankie, whether it was from cold or from fear or a mixture of both, I didn't know. Then the nurse plugged this needle into my hand (where they will pour anesthetic into me) taped it there.

I actually did ask the nurse if there was any chance that they would go like ooops and poked a hole right through my tummy. She was like, "Very little chances."

That roughly translates into, "That actually happens."

Damn, you have to give her props for her honesty.

After that, the doctor came in to talk to me before I am knocked out, and this doctor is like teachers: he prefers talking than listening. He was asking me how I am feeling, and before I could reply, he is already nodding his head and going mmmm... so I figured I should keep my answers short or I won't get in any words at all.

So I said, "Pretty nervous."

The nurse was like, "She is seventeen and this is her first endoscopy."

This brings us back to some moment ago, where she actually asked me, "Is this your first endoscopy?"

I half wondered through my trembling brain goo whether there is actually anyone that got addicted to endoscopy, so that they go for one every half a year or something just to have a tube put down their GI tract.

Figured not.

Going back to the doctor and how he prefers talking and nodding as compared to listening, he was like, "So you have some pains in your tummy?"

This "Little Me" inside of me, a.k.a my brain was like doing this very annoyed little head-shake at his assumptions.

I hastened to correct him.

"Not so much of pains, just that after I eat..." (nod, nod) "...I feel really bloated despite eating little and will burp quite a lot..." (nod nod, mmmmm) "...then there is this weird feeling in my tummy..." (here he interrupted me to continue his narrative of my condition, cough cough.)

"Is the pain here?" (indicating somewhere above my belly-button)

"Nope!"

"Hereeeeee~~~?" (indicating all around my belly-button)

"Yeah sort of...you know like this squeezing pain thing?"

He interrupted me again and proceeded to mime squeezing a table cloth, "like this?"

"No no no! Not like that! Maybe more like a hungry feeling right after I eat."

He started nodding (impatiently, my guess is) again and hastened to conclude.

"Well, there are two cases. One is that you can have HP infection (haha harry potter infection -.-) or two, you have some food allergy. So we will check if you have HP, if you don't we will have a food allergy test!"

I was like, "Okie."

Then he took this clear liquid and said that he was about to begin, so the nurse came to me to put this mouth-piece into my mouth to keep it open, and took away my glasses. I felt this really cold liquid flowing into the inside of my hand, felt my blood shiver, replied to some question that the doctor asked, and then I was out cold.

The next thing I woke up to was the nurse ripping the tape off my hand and a dull stinging sensation where the needle had invaded me. My head was still swimming, but thankfully I didn't feel nauseous like the other people said they did. I had some pain in my tummy and that's about it. Okay maybe some stomach cramps.

Yup, so that was endoscopy.

(Shhh, sometimes I wonder if I really had a tube put through me....)

~*~*~

So what I am really annoyed with is that recently, I got really put off by this girl from one of the top JCs around here.

Point is, I barely knew her (smiling politely does not qualify as a "I know her") and she had the audacity to question my privacy.

First she was like, "Has your school started teaching J2 blah blah blah topics?"

I was thinking to myself, hmm well good question. So with all honesty, I was like, "Nope, have you?"

She was like no. So I was like okay, and went back to my work.

A while later, she was like, "Has your school given you all the next year materials?"

This question made me feel rather put off, for one, hello!!! I don't really know you which means that you are not entitled to any (honest) answers. Next, what is with all the "your school, your school, your school" fishing? Why would I tell you anything? Besides her tone was both demanding in a subtle way and oddly annoying.

Still, I answered her politely, "No they didn't, did yours?"

And she was like, "No."

Later again, she was like, "Do you have tuition for every single subject?"

I was so fed up by then that it took every iota of my long bred self control to not push her face into the wall and yell "Get away from meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" and I wonder and wonder to myself how in the world did I have such bad luck to ever run into such a nosy but pretending to be cavalier person. Her snobbish tone and questions did nothing to enhance the perfect impression I have of her other school mates I have had the chance to interact with.

Till today when I think about it, I am still fed up. Maybe I am just so narrow in heart that I cannot tolerate that little bit, but whatever. I satisfy in being narrow-hearted.

*~*~

I suddenly felt really annoyed with the printing lady at our school while I was at home.

Allow me to justify my sudden emotions: it was triggered by none other than 2 rather bad experiences with one of them. (The other one is okay.)

So there was this once where I happened to not receive my Biology lecture notes because I don't visit the class bench enough, apparently. The last one Clarissa and I found was crumpled in the recycling bin (hrrrmphs) and Clarissa kept it, so I had to photocopy everything for myself, with the class fund.

Anyways, I went to the print shop to ask the auntie to help photocopy one.

I had one of the most frustrating conversation I ever had.

"Auntie could you please help me photocopy this and bind? Thank you!"

"Why do you need to photocopy this?" (Her tone was gruff and not conversational, oddly)

The last time I checked, she wasn't a undercover cop.

"I didn't receive my notes when the class was giving out, so I have to get one for myself."

"What do you mean you didn't get one! I am sure I gave accurate copies to every class!"

Her voice was getting louder, her tone defensive and agitated and it was starting to get on my nerves. For lord's sake, I didn't even say anything about her not giving enough copies!

"No I am not saying you didn't give enough copies to my class, I am saying that I didn't get one. When they are giving out, I_didn't_get_one." (emphasis on the last part)

See, I am already trying to calm her down by telling her it is not her fault, just that I happened to not get one because like I say, next time I should plant myself at the class bench more often.

"But I gave you all enough!!"

Still agitated, and it was starting to agitate me as well. In my mind, I was like, "Stop! Stop! Stop being so overly defensive and just go and zap the notes already arrrrrghhhhh!!!"

Clarissa and Denyse fidgeted next to me.

"Yes yes I know, I never did imply nor state that you did not give enough. I am saying that I didn't get one okay? Like I didn't receive one so I am photocopying."

I was so close to my boiling point and she has to push it with her next accusation.

"So I didn't do anything wrong and it is your own fault lar."

I really blew up then, internally and it took the last vestiges of my strength to keep the really stiff smile on my face.

"It is not my fault, my class did not give me one. And I never said it was your fault, I am only asking you to photocopy this so that I can have notes. How much is it? I really need to go now."

Yes, right before I scream and yell and become a mad woman.

"Okay, I tell you arh, your own fault so we cannot print the original for you, just photocopy. We stop printing already okay!!"

Goodness gracious, since when did I even ask for an original print? If I did why would I bring Clarissa's notes to her and tell her specifically to "PHOTOCOPY"?

I was so fed up because of numerous reasons. For one, her attitude is really really bad. I don't know why, each time I see her (not the younger one with longer hair), she looks like she is permanently grouching and her tone has never been, in the very least, civil.

Furthermore, I only requested for her to photocopy something, and she could simply do that without questioning me (accusingly) and then bombarding me with questions and accusations while constantly defending herself.

While I understand that she could have been worried that she might have accidentally made a mistake, which she was in such strong denial of, she really could have asked, "Did your class get enough copies?" instead of "I am sure I gave correct number of copies!", when I have never made any implications nor inference that she did otherwise.

Finally, what was with the "original copy"? I was so miffed at that because she made it sound (to everyone else) that I was making things difficult for her by requesting an original copy.

Argh argh argh.

Now I always avoid having to ask her with any help because she likes to sort of glare-stare at me, a lot.

Okay, end of rant, so much better bahahha.

The Measure of One's Existence

I was feeling a little under-appreciated one day and that odd moment had brought me to think more deeply about the value of one's existence.

I mean, sure, we have been told a lot of times that we have to be of value to our country by contributing to it; we have to be of value of our schools; we have to be of value to our society.

But then I realized, not every contribution made would be taken into accounts through recording, and indeed, not every contribution needs to be written down in black and white. It is just that people who are contributing to the society in one way or another, in good ways or in bad ways, in trickles or in floods are dying everyday and almost no one would know about them.

Apart from their family and friends of course, and that brings me to my epiphany that one's existence is very much determined by one's family.

Take me for example. To my school, I am just one student out of the hundreds to thousands; to my country, I am just one citizen out of the several million; to this world, I am even more insignificant, a mere shadow among the 6 billion people.

But to my family, I am priceless.

To my mom, I am her only child, her love and her hope. To my dad, I am the pesky kid of his who always asks him to turn down the volume of the TV because I need to sleep. To the rest of my family, I am a important, irreplaceable member whom they love deeply. We can argue, bicker and get annoyed with each other, but we know that there is no better people to be family members than our own family members. 

Imagine if you were to die one day, what would the rest of the world know?

Maybe your friends will be sad, your best friend sadder, your school acknowledges your death and your nation has really no idea because people die. All the time.

But it is your family who will grieve so long and so hard, remembering every glorious (but now painfully sweet) moment they have spent with you. They will remember your eccentricities and idiosyncrasies that define you. 

They will recall how you refuse to eat carrots and broccoli and how you used a potty till you are six years old. 

They will remember how they spent your past birthdays with you and now devastated because there are no more birthdays left. 

They will remember you as a cheeky, naughty but nonetheless sweet and caring family member whom they were always able to confide in, but now you are not there.

It gets worse for your family as they sit down for dinner and then realized that they took an extra set of utensils because you weren't there anymore.

Then they sit down to watch television after dinner, laughed at a funny part and turning back to see your reaction only to realize that there was no reaction to see. 

It gets bad. It gets so bad because there is this hollow, empty void in their lives where you use to be, and like a bruise, it hurts whenever it is touched. 

Maybe it will get better.

Maybe one day your family can visit your family's favorite restaurant again calmly, but imagine if the waiter you are so familiar with happened to ask,

"Hey, where is _______? Haven't seen him/her for a while."

The smiles will slip a little off their faces, your mom's lips will tremble a little as she looked down while your dad will breathe deeply and tell the poor waiter, "He has gone to a better place."

Human memories are indeed frail. But not when it comes to remembering a person whom they spent decades and decades with, remembering and cherishing, loving and caring for. Every year, without fail, they will remember you and grieve all over again missing you so badly while the rest of the world has long moved on.

Maybe the rest of the world has not even stopped in the first place.

But the time for your family has stopped when you left. Every agonizing moment felt like a million hours to them, it can take years for them to reconcile themselves with reality and move on. 

Sometimes they move on with life, but not from you. They take memories of you with them.

See, that's how you have measured your existence. When someone remembers you, when someone loves you even when you are not here, and when someone truly cares for you. 

If you have had no family or anyone to remember you after you leave this world, it would be like you never existed. 

Like you were never even here.

There are so many regrets in life, some small, some great. But I think the most painful regret is that when you realize that you have not spend enough time with your family or done the things for them when you should have, or simply tell them that you love them and you care for them.

People die far too quickly and far too often, and it is the greatest tragedy that family members leave too quickly too. 

Treasure your family members, love them just as they have loved you. Spend quality time with them. Don't stay angry at each other for too long. Don't stop talking to each other because of one misunderstanding or quarrel. Apologies first even though you have done nothing wrong, I do that, because with family, right and wrong has never been so important. 

Starting with myself, I am going to put down my grudge against my grandmother and my dad and try to embrace them, I will love my extended family more, and love my parents more deeply. I will treasure and cherish my mom and my family, and I hope that all of you will do the same:)