It is invariably this way: I try my best to hold onto everyone who is important to me, but they all end up being angry with me anyway.

Why?

Because they still feel neglected at the end of the day.

I am trying really.

I am trying my best to make everyone around me happy and pleased and un-neglected to the point that I am neglected my own feelings and my own issues.

I made time to meet my friends who are down and need me even though I have tests to study for.

I made time to placate my mom or please her even though she is angry with me half the time and disappointed the other half. I have no idea how not to disappoint her. Does making her happy means a complete sacrifice of my individual contentment? I feel that I am compromising as much as I can.

I am really trying.

I am bottling up everything that hurts inside me and trying to be positive all the time, maybe not for myself but for those around me. I know that nobody likes to be around a soursop so I try my best to be cheery for myself as well.

I am not bitter. I am merely feeling very defeated.

I already said I was sorry whether I was right or I was wrong unfailingly. I'm saying sorry because right and wrong doesn't matter when it comes to my closest family or friends, yet things don't get amended.

I have the limitations to how much I can balance too.

I am really sorry if anyone still feels neglected, but when you do, please - just please think for a moment that I am already putting you in front of myself.

Expectations

Expectations are dreadful things.

You don't begin with expectations, or maybe you do, we wouldn't know.

My point is that expectations are usually created in you.

They are created slowly, gradually but definitely through repeated positive actions that make you expect more.

Because each time a smaller expectation is fulfilled, a bigger expectation is created. Not consciously. You may not even realize it until the said subject fails to fulfill that unexpressed expectation, and you feel disappointed.

Disappointment is a terrible, terrible thing. Even more so than expectations.

Logically, neither expectations nor disappointment can actually be fully justified. (I would go as far as to call them unwarranted emotions, but I still do feel them from time to time.)

So how are expectations created? Like I say, it begins with a small expectation.

Creation and Ultimate Destruction of Expectations (click to enlarge, I drew it!)

To summarize the drawing, the fulfillment of a smaller expectation leads to the creation of a greater expectation.

Por ejemplo, you score 60 marks in a test. Your parents say it is pretty good (says no parent ever in real life, but this is make believe), but now they want you to improve to 70. And you did. The next test you would need to score 80 to fulfill their expectation or you will be termed "stagnation". That is the creation of expectations at work.

Anyways, my main point here is to not let yourself fall into the trap of expecting or hoping excessively.

Also, it would be wise to occasionally lower other's expectations of yourself by screwing up.

Like, what I am doing now.

You are probably expecting a really cool post, but it is actually kinda screwed up.

Heh.

In the

In The

In the recesses of my mind, I think about you.

Not once, or twice. Multiple times.

In the vague moments before sleep, I dream about you.

The prodding of dreams tell the truth.

In the spaces of my heartbeats, I miss you more.

The palpitations tell me that I am incomplete.

In the pauses between my breathing, I love you.

Then it resumes, and I am once more normal.

(50 second poetry: yep, it is probably poorly written because it took me less than a minute to write it)

This is how...

This is how I learn to be independent
In the accumulated moments that you didn't care.

This is how I grow used to isolation
When I don't have you around for company.

This is how I grew up
When I call and the dial tone rings then dies

This is how much I need you
And only to realize that you don't need me back.

This is how I stopped believing,
When promises are mere words spoken and forgotten.

This is how I forget,
When there is nothing enough to remember.

This is how we all fall apart,
When I am always here but you are never there.

Inferior

Inferiority. You don't feel it all the time, just like how you don't feel sad or under-accomplished all the time.

It strikes you at the moments you least expect it to.

The effects are lingering and pervasive.

It makes you question the validity of your existence, and the basis of your daily confidence.

It makes you wonder about the things you don't usually ponder, and look twice into the mirror and still think to yourself, "I am not good enough."

It makes you afraid of meeting another: could they see the fear behind your mask of certainty; the tremor behind your beams; the insecurity behind your straightened back and relaxed shoulders?

It makes you think less of yourself (than you already do).

It makes you wonder if you should indulge or skip the next meal. It makes you vulnerable to the views of other people that should have never mattered. It makes you consider criticism (that may or may not be valid), and agree with them, because in the depth of your consciousness, these are the same criticisms that secretly haunt you in your dreams.

Inferiority. It makes you question why you are loved and worry about the sustainability of that love.

Why?

Because in the abyss of momentary inferiority, you are never enough.

Inferiority. We keep it at bay with our conscious logical minds and we strut confidently in our amours of sanity and reassurances. Yet it creeps in every now and then, like slow acting toxins, its effects insidious and damaging.

Inferiority doesn't strike me that often.

But when it does, I am nobody.

Bioré UV Aqua Rich Watery Gel

Sponsored Review

Biore UV Aqua Rich Watery Gel

Singapore is one of the best places to live in around the world because it is one of the safest, cleanest as well as most food-delicious places ever! However, there is of course always one key gripe.

The sun is too bright, making the weather hot all year round.

It is extremely easy to get sun burnt here if you stay out for extended periods under the grueling heat, and in case you didn't know, an overexposure to the sun can actually be detrimental to your skin! In the long run, it causes skin problems like wrinkles, freckles, spots, increased aging and sagging!!

Yes, you should feel horrified!

This is precisely why the use of sunblock is so extremely important, especially to us who live on such a sunny island. I know many of us are either to lazy to use sunblock or we find it too sticky, too oily, too thick thus making the skin unbreathable.

So, what if I tell you that there is a sunblock that DOES NOT have any of the above problems?*

*Based on writer's experience; may differ from user to user.

Bioré UV Aqua Rich Watery Gel 

Benefits of Bioré UV Aqua Rich Watery Gel 

That's right, it is the new Bioré UV Aqua Rich Watery Gel!! Not only does it have a SPF of 50+ that provides us with maximum protection against harmful UVA and UVB rays from the sun, it also has a watery texture that spreads easily and evenly on the skin, giving a matte finish!

Apart from using it on the arms and neck, it is also perfect to be used as a makeup base as it brightens and whitens the skin, giving us a bright glowing look without our face appearing to be too oily!

Let me try to show you the before and the after:

Before application of sun block

Application

After application

Woe betide the limitations of my iPhone camera and its abysmal capturing abilities. However, if you look closely between the hand (yes the hand, not the arm) of the first picture and last picture, you can tell that the post-usage hand became fairer, and looks strangely moisturized. Yep. So in this aspect, I agree that the sunblock is moisturizing and also has whitening effects!

Perhaps one of the best things about this sunblock is that it is suitable for use both on the body and on the face, which means that just buying this one sunblock is enough for your getaway to any sunny place on planet earth!

Personally, I have been using this sunblock frequently since I received it, and I find it surprisingly comfortable on application! Unlike some of the sunblocks that I have tried last time which may either have the common "sunblock" scent or increase the oiliness of the skin, this one smells refreshing and leaves the skin matte for at least 4 hours (for myself) before my skin starts getting oily. Logically, even if I don't use the sunblock, my skin will still start to get oily in that amount of time, so we can't really pin the blame on the sunblock!

If you guys are interested in the product, you will be pleased to know that it is available at all leading pharmacies, hyper and super marts, departmental stores and beauty stores! For just $18.90, you will get a bottle of 90ml sunblock to use for a very long time!

So what are you waiting for, remember to protect your skin starting today~!

Ambulance

A lot of us have watched Taiwanese or Korean drama which would involve an ambulance coming in and the paramedics moving swiftly to place a person onto the stretcher or the likes. Then before we know it, they are monitoring CPR, heart rate and then the ambulance is off heading towards the hospital. As a kid I always thought that this has been exaggerated for drama's sake, till I experienced it for myself today.

Yep, you didn't hear me wrongly. I was sent to NUH in an ambulance, on a stretcher.

So this was how it went:

I woke up this morning around 8am or so, then being the lazy ball I was, I went back to bed until maybe around 10.45am. I went to check my phone that was charging, which is my usual morning routine. When I was checking my phone, my heart suddenly started beating crazy fast, or rather I started having palpitations (in medical terms). At the same time my chest constricted, I had a sharp pain in my stomach and I broke out into cold sweat while feeling numbness and dizziness. In short I thought I was going to pass out because I couldn't make sense of my surroundings (thank god I was at home). I was told by my mom that I turned as pale as a sheet and looked like I had lost consciousness (I was on the floor at home) and she called the ambulance.

The ambulance came relatively fast, like in less than 10 minutes, and yes, it was actually very much like a scene in a drama. Four paramedics arrived at my house and they were extremely skilled and experienced. I think they took a ECG, my pulse rate and blood pressure, as well as my blood glucose level. In my semi consciousness I heard that my blood pressure was rather low (could not remember how low) and I was quickly given an IV drip on my right wrist.

Sidenote: The needle that they insert into the vein for drips is actually kinda painful and also restricts one's hand movement. I had actually expected no pain which is not logical, don't ask me why.

I was helped onto the stretcher bed thing which is actually pretty awkward to be on as I slowly became more aware of my surroundings as my initial discomfort wore off. Like you become acutely aware of the fact of how dramatic it is to be on a stretcher with 4 really really cool and efficient paramedics wheeling you from your apartment to the ambulance. I mean, if it was actually a drama, I was pretty sure that those exciting background music would be playing, coupled with loud beeping noises reflecting some vital stats.

But nope, there wasn't any background music to alleviate the awkwardness I felt on the stretcher, or the discomfort that my stomach felt with each bump on the ground. #lifenotdrama

By the time I reached NUH in the ambulance (which was also wow, I am on an ambulance), I was feeling less like I was going to die and more awkward of my vulnerable position every moment. I realized I had no shoes on because I was at home. I also realized that I was still in my panda-pajamas, which was like *faints from embarrassment*.

At NUH I went through more tests that involved more needles being inserted into me. I think I had my blood glucose taken twice before a long needle was inserted into my left hand to draw out more blood. Yep, that was slightly painful too. Then while I was still having the IV drip in my right hand, I was given another bag in my left...

This one is more painful. I think I will get a bruise hehe.

But overall, the medical staff was really caring and efficient and really really sweet people, so I felt pretty safe in their hands.

I was going to type more, but I will end the post here because erm I am really just kind of too lazy to write more. Ha.

Clinique x Luxola Collaboration

Sponsored Review
Recently I have been lucky enough to be given the chance to try and review Clinique's line of products! Needless to say, I was genuinely excited as Clinique is an extremely well recognized for its skincare and cosmetic products and after this experience, I must say that the products definitely live up to their name!

 

Clinique Products



For Oily Skin: Moisturizing gel, clarifying lotion and liquid facial soap (left to right)

Due to my oily skin type, I was given the set of products catered specially for oily skin!

Clinique Liquid Facial Soap
Clinique's facial soap is gentle on the skin with a mild scent. Usually I use just one pump to wash my face and it is more than sufficient to lather into foam to cleanse the face of the oil without drying out the skin. In short, it smoothly cleanses one's face without stripping too much of the facial oil, thus leaving the skin hydrated and comfortable.

Unlike some other cleansers which may have a strong floral scent which may be a source of irritation to some, Clinique's Facial Soap has a soft and refreshingly mild scent that is gentle to the senses.

Also, in case you are wondering, I have skin that's prone to acne and using the facial soap so far has not caused me any outbreaks. In fact, I haven't had any outbreaks since I started using this skincare line!

However, one must be careful not to let the soap get into one's eye as I carelessly had, as it will cause a minty stinging sensation that is not too painful, but preferably avoided.

Clinique Clarifying Lotion
Clinique's Clarifying Lotion has a strong alcoholic scent that disappears after drying. As a clarifying lotion, I feel that it does indeed purify the skin! Swiping a cotton pad dabbed with the clarifying lotion across one's face instantly refreshes and soothes the skin following the cleansing.

What is even better is the fact that the lotion seems to function well as a mild makeup remover too: when I accidentally made a makeup error, I dabbed the spot with a cotton pad containing the lotion to remove the error easily without smearing the rest of my makeup. Definitely a versatile and handy lotion to have!

Clinique Moisturizing Gel
Clinique's moisturizing gel is by far my favourite moisturizer amongst all that I have tried. And trust me, I have actually tried a broad range. The amazing thing about this moisturizer is that it leaves the skin silky smooth and matte upon drying, with no hint of oiliness at all even in the many hours post application. Fair enough, I do see my nose getting shiny with time, but for me, my skin tends to become oily extremely easily and I doubt it would be fair to blame it on the moisturizer!

Instead, I am thoroughly impressed by how the moisturizing gel is able to leave my face matte but still retaining its healthy glow (without the actual oily shine) and it is one of my go-to base products to use before make-up application to prep my skin. 10/10 for this moisturiser, I won't hesitate to purchase it when my current bottle finishes!

For those of you who are interested in seeing Clinique's compete range of skincare products on Luxola, do check out this link!

Also, if you are interested in finding out more about Clinique, do check out their interview with Luxola at this link!

Not about to let you guys off without a bit of benefits, remember to use discount code BLX-KIRA to enjoy 15% off all first time orders by 15th of August 2015! So what are you waiting for? Hurry up and grab your goodies today!

*A follow up post will be done after one month or more usage of the products to update you guys!

I know I haven't blogged in a while, and to the 238 people who still read this blog even yesterday, thank you for your support all this time.

I wouldn't say that I have been through a very rough period of time: in comparison, I would say A-levels, PSLE, MOE interviews are definitely and infinitely more stressful, but recent events did make my life go out of its usual rhythm.

Thankfully that was almost 3 weeks ago? I know that many of you may not know what I am referring to, but to those who know, read on!

Before I began this post, I had prognosticated that I would write a beautifully complex and romantic piece of post extolling the virtues of experience and pain, but as I begin, I am like "Nah." I am not going to be pretentious and behave like experiences have shaped me into a better person etcetera etcetera, and how grateful I am to such bad experiences, because you know...

So everyone says.

Nope.

I would very honestly tell you that I rather not have spent four months on such an experience but of course we all are also aware that there is little point in regretting the passage of time: it is irrevocable.

And yes, on the extremely bright side (somewhere near the sun, perhaps?) I did learn something! I am just not entirely sure what I have learnt, but yes I did learn something. Okay, maybe I learnt a lot, but let us not go to the dry and boring nitty gritty of "I learn not to trust anyone or the promises they make".

Faith in humanity shouldn't be lost over one incident. We just learn to be more careful.

Anyhoos, it is also in this period of time I learn once more that I have truly wonderful and precious friends who are with me through thick and thin. I mean to dedicate this non-morose post to these fabulous people who make me happy every single day. However, I also realized that it would be incredibly stupid to write about overly personal things online, so here is a very quick and vague summary of everyone:

(I actually wrote down everyone's name, but then I deleted it again. Sorry, I will just let the suspense kill you, I guess?)

Anyways, I am running out of inspiration to write, so here is the end of my very short update post. :D

Essential Deep Cleansing and Light Finish Volumizing Shampoo and Conitioner Review

Sponsored Review

Hey all! Today I am back with another shampoo review, and this time it is the Essential Deep Cleansing Care and Essential Light Finish Volumizing Shampoo and Conditioner.

I am not sure about you guys, but I actually sincerely do face this problem*: having combination hair/scalp. I wasn't even aware of this condition till recently when I was reading about the information provided along with these sets of shampoo where I realized that combination hair does exist, just like combination skin.

Now what combination hair really means is that you have oily scalp as well as hair roots and dry and often easily damaged hair ends. This explains why no matter what shampoo I used, either my scalp or my hair ends always feel wrong.

*Trust me, I did not just invent a problem for the sake of writing this advertorial. 

Essential Deep Cleansing Care Shampoo and Conditioner

Essential Light Finish Volumizing Shampoo and Conditioner 

For the past few days, I have been testing out the two sets of hair care products as shown above and here are my first impression of them!

Essential Deep Cleansing Care Shampoo and Conditioner

The deep cleansing care shampoo is transparent in color and smells really great, as do all essential shampoo does! What I like about it is that it foams excellently when you scratch it out into your scalp, and it is actually proven that foam is better able to remove sebum! (Think about Biore facial foam wash, aha!) I do think that the shampoo has achieved what it promises to, which is to thoroughly cleanse the scalp of the sebum residues to make the scalp feel much fresher and breathable!

Additionally, even a day or two after usage, my scalp still does not feel as oily as it would have been prior to using this shampoo! Amazingly, I also noticed a reduction in the amount of dandruff-resembling bits (they aren't actually dandruff since they don't fall off in flakes, I think?) on my head when I scratch my scalp, which makes me very happy!

However, one problem with using the shampoo and conditioner on the whole length of my hair (my hair reaches my lower back) is that the bottom half of my hair becomes incredibly tangly and dry, I think? I feel that the lower part of my hair lacks the necessary nutrients and oils because the Deep Cleansing effects of the shampoo has done it so well that even the oils on my hair ends have been stripped off. Nonetheless I am still very pleased with the shampoo and I won't hesitate to rate it a 9/10, where one mark is deducted for the dry effect on the lower hair ends.

Thank goodness we have the volumizing hair shampoo: it is here to salvage your hair ends!

Essential Light Finish Volumizing Shampoo and Conditioner 

I tried to do an artistic shot. Too much backlight D:

In a way, the light finish volumizing shampoo and conditioner is perfect for the lower half of your hair because it does nourish the hair to provide a silky and smooth finish that creates that extra volume! Nonetheless, I was careless enough to use it on my scalp once, which had caused my scalp to be oily rather quickly. However, this also proves that the shampoo does what it claims: to provide the additional oils and nutrients to improve the quality of your hair...that your scalp does not need!

Essential Shampoo Massage Brush

On top of these amazing hair products, I also had the opportunity to try their brand new Essential Shampoo Massage Brush! Available in both hot pink and mint green, I think it is safe to say that they have a color to appeal to both our girly side and our manly sides!

The shampoo massage brush is designed in a way to improve your blood circulation in the head when you brush your head with it whilst shampooing! The soft silicon bristles prevents harsh shock to your scalp and provides a gentle and comfortable massaging experience.

Not only so, the brush was helpful in gently cleansing my scalp build-ups which is a gross combination of skin and dirt! After usage, you can see greyish gunk on the bristles that can be easily washed away with water.

However, I do notice that if you have a lot of hair or very long hair like I do, the brushing may be harder because I don't really dare to push the brush all the way into my scalp: for fear of tangling my hair! Essential recommends for us to NOT use the brush in circular motions as it will cause tangles. Instead, we are supposed to move it side to side with small movements!

Also, to store the brush, face the brush up like I did with the mint green brush and don't rest the brush face down as this will damage the soft bristles, causing them to go out of shape, i.e. bent.

All righty! I have come to the end of my post and I am sure you guys are interested to find out more about these cool products! You guys will be thrilled to know that currently there is a special promotion from mid-May 2015 where by you can buy a set of 2 shampoos and get a mint green/hot pink shampoo massage brush for free! That banded package costs only $19.60 at all leading supermarkets and personal care stores (Watsons/ Guardian etc), good deal right?

Not only so, don't forget to grab your samples from Essential Singapore's Facebook Page to try out your very first FREE samples today!

Last but not least, if you are interested in more special offers and promotions, why not follow Essential on instagram @essentialsingapore and also myself @kiraknightyy to keep yourself updated of the latest freebies and cool stuff!

Till next post, toodles!