Bloody Semester 2

Being direct and frank is good, so as you can see in my very direct and candid heading for this post, I am having a bloody stressful Year 1 Semester 2.

Okay, maybe my judgement of this semester to be stressful is rather skewed because I spent my entire last semester (Y1S1) having way too much fun (and also spending lots of time settling my relationship problems). I was surprised with the minimal amount of effort I put into my tutorials and work, I could score pretty well (I expected all B and below, but I got 3As instead).

Anyways, just in case any of you want to know what modules I took in NUS Year 1 Sem 1 (because, I totally know you guys want to know), here are the modules....

EN1101E: Introduction to Literature (or something) 
Relatively easy and manageable. It was very fun, I liked the readings, I had 4 books to read, but I really only read one carefully, which was Wide Sargasso Sea. I don't think the rest of the books need to be read in too much depth, not unless you have an assignment based off it. I only really read around 5 stories for the book of short stories, if you know what I am saying.
The assignments are fun to do, and my tutor is totally awesome. Love him, not kidding.
Lectures are either too fast (when they are conducted by Susan Ang) or too slow when they are conducted by John Richardson. I gave up going for lectures in the end because I can never learn much from a lecture that I can't catch up with or one where I can't get the gist.
Self study is really the key!

GES1028: Singapore Society 
Interesting module, but the lectures are really unmanageable boring. Non-stop droning for almost 1.5 hours with 10 min break in between. I cannot focus for the whole period most of the time, except for that one lecture where I forced myself to focus to not think about my sad breakup. See, breakup can be good, because I had to use academics to distract myself.
Not really much assignment, in fact, none at all. Love it.
Tutorial preparation consists of plenty of reading (never procrastinate the readings, they are long and usually heavy, sometimes hard to grasp without making notes) and class participation. My tutor literally takes down the names of people who speak, so I forced myself to speak even if my points are lousy. I mean, who cares?
I thought I would get a B or below since I ponned all but 3 of the lectures and never ever studied it except for completing tutorials. But guess what? Bless my brains, I got an A.

GEM 1036: Globalization and New Media
Interesting concepts are taught in this module, and I cannot understand why I didn't pay attention in the first half of the sem. (I know why, I blame it on myself for being too infatuated then.) Anyways, if you are able to listen to the lecture by taking notes (always use laptop or print the slides beforehand) and jotting down Mr Gui's examples, you will learn a lot. And it is very useful and interesting.
Weekly tutorials are fun with lots of readings (or one LONG reading. By long I mean at least 20 pages, usually 30 plus to 40). Discussion style, talk more for marks. Not very stressful, but not that relaxing either.
Assignment. Woe betide me, 2 assignments. One powerpoint and one essay, both of which I procrastinated till last minute with shockingly amazing results. This is a terrible positive reinforcement for a nasty habit. Basically I scored full marks for powerpoint and 29/30 for the essay. Like I say, shocking. (JX must have heard me boast endlessly about this when I got back my assignment grades.)
I predicted a B- initially, but my assignments totally make me ace it. Woohoo for another A!

PL1101E: Introduction to Psychology.
Very fun, very interesting, I love all the concepts but I ABHOR the lectures. I feel like I am withering and dying in the lectures, I am not even kidding. I attended around 2 lectures and ponned the rest to do self study...that only happened before exams. Not the way to go, especially not with the amount og HARDCORE memorizing you will need to do. Do practice and make sure you know what will be tested (I heard the lecturer likes to give hints in his lectures, so I suppose you should waste your 1.5 hours listening to hints).
I wouldn't say I screw it up, especially not given my emotional circumstances whilst I took the exam. I was proud of my mid term B because I didn't really study for it and did pretty okay (when I expected a fail). I am disappointed in my overall B because I studied more for finals and uh...I guess I still didn't work hard enough. SU it!

SE1101E: Southeast Asia A Changing Region.
BAH. I can't even begin with how much I dislike this module. Heavy content. Heavy reading. Lecture early in the morning. Whilst some concepts are interesting to understand and listen to, I don't get why our group essay got a B-. It seemed awesome to me and I would totally give it A+. I mean, afterall Alex is freaking genius. As for me, I honestly had no idea what was going on. Like literally, zero idea. I studied sufficiently for finals and mid terms, did will for mid terms and didn't do so well for finals. Finals are hard, 20 short answer, one essay. Personally I didn't enjoy this module at all and the only redeeming points are:

• Lecturer is funny and witty
• I had my best friends Chelsea and Alex to sit together with and go for tutorials together. I thank my 6th senses for choosing a different slot then what I wanted at first, or I won't be with these awesome peeps.

My greatest accomplishments of 2015? I juggled school, emotional burden and setbacks, my homework and skating commitments pretty well. (At least, I feel.) Then of course I made friends with the most awesome people in my skate group, and I really adore Meh, QY and JX (I'll grudgingly say that JY is nice at times.) In a way, skating helped me to cope with my most difficult times, where my fun group mates and friends were really really wonderful to be around.

Of course another accomplishment is that I lost almost 10kg in the year, but by now I have gained 3kg back. Hehe. Self control!

2016 shall be awesome. Since parts of 2015 were painful and bitter, I shall strive to make 2016 a truly wonderful year. I am taking a module with my favourite Meh and Chelsea, hanging out with skaters and having a blissful time (*beams*). Oh but my modules are kind of tough this year...I am taking a level 3000 literature module, whom people think I am crazy to do. There is no crazy okay guys, only dedication and talent (*flips hair*).

So my mods for this semester are:
EU1101E: Making of Modern Europe (bahh bahh bananas. History.)
EN2201: Backgrounds to Western Culture and Literature (HARD! So far tougher than EN3231)
EN3231: American Literature. (Love it)
GER1000: Quantitative reasoning. (Actually interesting. Starting to like it.)
GET1029: Life The Universe, Everything. (No likey. Redeeming point: with Meh!)

Okie that's about it. I need to blog more. This blog is dying and I shall try to add it to my list of to dos to blog more. Should I blog about my life or do product reviews? Hmm....

Expiry

I used to think that promises and declarations of love are supposed to last forever.

Experience has allowed me to figure out that such things have an expiry date.

Perhaps one of the most ridiculous promises would be something along the lines of "I promise I will never leave you through thick and thin". Well the thick and thin comes and the promise vanishes like last summer's memories.

Maybe love isn't in the solemnity of promises, nor the grandeur of words or "to-the-moon-and-back"s.

Maybe love is not in the things that we do for each other.

Maybe, it is about the things that I don't do knowing it would upset my loved one, and in the words that I don't say in moments of anger, because even in my most upset moments, hurting them hurts me. Too.

Maybe, just maybe, love is not about waiting for you to realize my needs but about open and sincere communications telling each other what we need. Open communications open hearts.

When I love you I try to understand your point of view and I try to share mine, however afraid. We wouldn't want a miscommunication to stand in the way.

I would have my insecurities, I would have my doubts, but I will live better knowing that you are there to share my doubts and fears and you would in your own way assuage my uncertainties like how I would calm yours. I would trust you wisely and love you with an open heart and open mind.

There may be a day where apocalypse comes, there may also be a day where the sun implodes, but there will not be a day where I stop loving you. 

Therein lies the beauty of the unknown, the excitement of the wait and the exhilaration of reunion.

Of Hell and Pain

"Hell needs not be constructed against the stereotypical background of raging conflagration and demons with horns."

Indeed it doesn't.

Hell can be literal. It can be metaphoric. It could be a hyperbole.

It does not need to be constructed against the dichotomous notion of heaven: there isn't just Hell at one end and then Heaven at the other end. It is a continuous variable constructed on an imaginary HELL-HEAVEN spectrum. It can possibly look something like this:

Hell with Satan --> Hell without Satan --> Temporary Hell --> Kinda Hell --> Hyperbolic Hell --> Slightly morose life --> Neutral life --> Better than neutral life --> Good life! --> Semblance to Heaven --> Heaven? --> Heaven! --> Heaven with angels and harp

Okay, that was really a whole bunch of nonsense. If you read it and believed it, I feel so sorry for you buying all the nonsense that I have conjured out of nothing.

Oh, and just in case any religious zealots see this as a post condemning or insulting religion or what not, please don't. By Hell and Heaven I am in no way referring to any religion. Instead imagine Hell and Heaven as in those in popular fiction novels and stuff like that. And if this post is going to offend you, please don't read it and then allow yourself to be offended and then offend me back by sending me hate mails. (Although I do like reading hate mails.)

What was I saying?

Oh yes, Hell doesn't have to be underground. (Yeah wonder why must hell be underground and heaven be up in the sky?? I mean, in the skies it is cold and freezing, and underground is warm and toasty. And of course underground you would have much less chance of falling and dying.)

Okay, I can't even remember what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell you all that once I felt like I was in hell. For maybe a month to two? But then I found a coping mechanism which is pain.

It is not what you think. I wasn't self-harming, so please don't freak out.

I have a feeling that you are going to freak out anyway, so here is a disclaimer: I didn't cut myself or anything like that or try to throw myself off stairs to deliberately injure myself. In fact I live a rather safe life watching out for traffic, avoiding cars, avoiding falling objects and treasuring my life.

What I meant is that I developed a higher tolerance for pain. Constructive pain, that is.

Do you remember when I fell off the bus when I was in JC1? My elbow and my knees were horribly mangled from the fall and I cried when I saw how bad it was. I had a lower tolerance for pain and blood then.

I think I am better now.

Which is a triumphant twist for me - it makes picking up new skills like skating and other-potentially-painful activities a lot easier.

Okay I will not digress from the topic.

Basically I discovered that I wasn't as adverse to the whole idea of getting injured as I was before. And in the past couple of months, I have developed more bruises from skating practice than I have had in my entire adolescence life (starting from the point when I stopped tripping over my own feet).
I wasn't particularly affected by the cuts, bruises and abrasions. Some of the injuries are worse, some better.

I am secretly proud of myself for being so emotionless in acquiring these bruises.

Physical bruises heal. It is all a matter of time.

The skills picked up are permanent.

So all in all, it is pretty much worth it.

So yep, I wasn't very careful in trying to avoid falling or injuring myself during practice. I wasn't being very safe. It was fine though, since I was still alive and kicking.

(I can't remember what else to write, so I would end this post here.)

Change

"If change is the only constant, then there is no real constant." 

It intrigues me that how impressionable and changeable we are - how very so that I, too, am.

I once promised myself I won't change myself (assuming that I subconsciously referred to my strengths rather than weaknesses) even in the face of insurmountable pressure. Unlike those spineless wimps who cave in to the imagined societal pressure, I who possess a backbone crafted out of titanium and carbon fiber will hold true to myself.

Which begs the question: what is the concept of Self in the first place?

It is imagined, perhaps as much as it is precipitated out of other's construction of your identity. I won't belabor this post by delving into extra and unnecessary elucidation about the philosophy of self, but bear this in mind as you read: the self is a changing and fluid identity (yes, SE1101 reference).

So here is the nexus of today's post.

I have changed. I am changing. I am not sure for the better or for the worst, but I would like to see it is a miniature form of evolution that is going on in my own mind and body to allow me to adapt better to my surroundings.

I am changing to protect myself better, but that could also mean that I might hurt others more.

Nah, that's a false dichotomy. My self-protection doesn't necessitate the emotional wounding of another.

That  made me feel marginally better.

I won't hold on as much anymore. It takes two to clap. I might have been exhausted and burnt out from trying, and maybe in time I will try again, but at the moment, I do my part and leave the rest out to a combination of fate and another's effort.

Change is not entirely a bad thing.
It is merely a new thing.

I do ponder why people throw out sentences like "You have changed." with the same level of gravity that a judge convicts a criminal of murder.

It happens all the time. Discretely or outlandishly.

So I have changed. Some days I look back upon myself from just half a year ago and miss her alacrity.

The same night whitening the same trees,

We of that time, are no longer the same.

- Pablo Neruda         

Skating

Author's note: By the time this is published, it is already one week late. So eeks. Procrastination much. 

I realized that I always blog about things that make me upset but not so much the enjoyable parts of my life. That means that I am severely misrepresenting my life, and of course we wouldn't want to paint an emo image of ourselves.

I am a bright and happy peep.

Skating makes me brighter and happier as a peep.

Let's wind back in time to yesterday (Wednesday, 4th November). It was one of the awesomest skating nights ever (although it is rather hard to define the boundaries of awesome because everything about skating is just awesome).

Foremost, I didn't die. That's something we have to celebrate about because I didn't wear my guards (yes, note the emphasis) skating around in Utown in my bandage skirt and somehow I didn't fall. I didn't trip. I didn't kill anyone else. I didn't kill myself.

I think that means I am a pro at skating already. How many of you guys can actually skate in a tight bandage rather short skirt? Okay I will stop with the narcissism here~ *beams*

I fell asleep whilst trying to study for Singapore Society (GES module) after that, and yes I agree that my finals are going to take a huge hit because of the amount of time I am investing in skating but I believe that I wasn't born with an arguably high IQ for nothing so I can do pretty well. I am relatively certain of that. (I mean take Singapore Soceity midterms for example, I didn't study for it, and I got a pretty good grade for my essay, though 1 mark higher and it would have been perfect.)

Really I need to stop with the overwhelming self praise. (I rock, really)

At around 3.40pm I met QY - our skating sensei and one of the best seniors anyone can ask for - at Food clique where I of course proceeded to boast about my aforementioned skating skills. On the hindsight, I should be terribly ashamed because it is like the Chinese proverb that describes a greenhorn boasting about his skills to a master. Yes, you can imagine how QY must be secretly sniggering at me, but nah we know he is not that evil.

Then we skated around, sans guards, to find Sarah at ERC. I realized then that I love skating with my hair down partly because my head hurts less from the pressure of the rubber band - I usually tie quite firmly to keep the hair up, and I think that is a major cause of balding. For girls at least.

Sarah is absolutely adorable. Even in glasses I would rate her 8/10. Super cute and super sweet.

We went back to Food Clique and Nick is already there and we decided to have an early skating session at 4.30pm because everyone was so happy and enthusiastic. Best part was that Jocelyn came and that means we have more people and it is no longer the usual awesome QY-Nick-Sarah-Me dinner session. It was awesomer. (But also a lot more confusing.)

Jocelyn is really sweet and awesome. I realize that I am abusing the word awesome, but it would be too bombastic to call people "fantastic, amazing, extraordinary", so I am sticking to awesome.

We went to buy Starbucks Christmas one-for-one, which is really not that nice, ESPECIALLY NOT GINGERBREAD.

Readers, you have been forewarned to not buy Gingerbread unless you want to throw away the drink. I had to cajole, coerce and sweettalk people into helping me finish my drink. Jocelyn took one sip, shuddered and refused to drink again. QY did the same thing. So in the end the drink was still half finished when we dumped it. Oh JX drank a huge amount of the unsavory drink. Yikes!

If I were to rate the Christmas drinks it would be like...
1. Chocolate Peppermint mocha
2. Toffee Nut
3. Panettone
100. Gingerbread

It doesn't matter that there are only four drinks - Gingerbread is still going to be last even if there are nothing between 4 and 99.

And then before that we had some cruel fun rating the physical appearance of guys. I was particularly cruel because yes, I can be. We were using someone (shall not be named) as a benchmark of average look (5/10), so what does that make some-two (shall not be named either)? QY says some-two is a 6/10, I said he is a 2.5 to 3 out of a 10.

Of course that made Nick, Sarah and Joyce super confused since 6 is above average and 3 is just miserable.

I did clarify that I am cruel in rating (that day).

So in the confusion, we clarified what are our standards for good looking. Now, you have to bear in mind that QY is a guy and I am a girl, so of course benchmarks are already different. I proffer that my personal standards means that the basis of good looking means one has to be quite tall and not skinny. It is nothing against skinny peeps, just a matter of personal preferences.

To illustrate our points, we put classify QY as slim and Nick as not slim. (I suspected both experienced a momentary existential crisis to be used as benchmarks, so guys, this is exactly why we should not label people. Tsk~!)

QY rates Nick an 8/10 (Nick was right next to him, but we will not question the validity of the rating), and gave himself a horizontal 8.

Geddit?

8 -> ∞

It means he is infinitely good looking.

I sometimes do wonder how we all manage to skate with our heads the size of genetically-modified giant watermelons. I think mine would be the biggest, but shh, no one knows and I am good at appearing to be humble. :3

Oh I nearly died down the MPSH slope. Yes it officially has a name. It is "The MPSH Slope".

It was all going fine at first and my t-stop was in perfect control UNTIL we hit the road hump in the middle, because it is 1. uneven and 2. accelerates me for some odd reason which meant that my foot that was t-stopping slid out of control and I was going parallel down the slope and hurtling quickly.

Now QY foresaw that I was going to murder myself there (since no matter how I boasted), he insisted on being in front, which turned out to be a very good thing because after we hit the bump, I flew forward and yes my heart stopped and I freaked out and forgot how to bring back my T-stop and I would have probably crashed and got sent to NUH if not for QY.

I think it is a good thing NUH is so nearby. At least it decreases the travelling time to NUH.

I murdered JX later when I was practicing going down the slope. It was a horribly bad fall for the both of us because I tried to go past him once I realized I was losing control and by right I wasn't supposed to go past him because that means he can't stop me. So we both ended up crashing into the floor when he tried to stop me from crashing and I would say that his fall is worse since OUCH NO GUARDS. But guards didn't do much good for me....

(I paused writing here because my fingers hurt, and I regret to inform all that by the time I return to finish this post one week later, I really can't remember much of what happened. So....)

TADAAA!

THE END.

Someday

Someday, you will find it within you to appreciate the tragic beauty of things broken and torn. Someday, I am saying, perhaps not today.

Someday I will find within me the courage to be the first to let go and last to hold on, the last to break down and the first to heal.

But on another day I will realize that it is not courage that we are talking about but a hardening of the heart.

Your heart will try to harden to protect itself from harm. It might crust over and it might even disappear.

Pray, don't let that happen.

Never let anyone to have the capacity to change the heart that you once had.

Strength

Strength. Strength.

Is it imaginary?

Do I seek it, do I pray to it or do I envision it?

Empower me. Save me.

I wait for Strength to rise from within.
Not without.

Tears.

I realized that I have been crying a lot.

It is not a bad thing.

I cry when I am upset. I cry when I am (too) happy or moved. I cry when I am scared and afraid.

I used to very very ashamed of how emotionally fragile I seem.

I even tried to kill any emotions I have in me (during JC), because it made me much more efficient in doing work.

But it also make me mechanic.

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts."

- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations 

Perspectives.

"We come back okay. Sooner or later, faster or slower, we all recover." 

There was a point where I honestly doubted whether I would ever walk out of the shadows of an unfortunate turn of events. I remember the last time I was so upset and so affected was when my best friend for four years suddenly refused to talk to me one day, and I felt so lost and so disorientated.

Maybe I was once again affected when I had my first "unfortunate turn of events".

Initially I felt a deep sense of gloom and pall that shrouded me almost all the time. I tried my best to be functional, and in certain ways it worked. I laughed harder (than usual) at jokes that weren't that funny, I smile at everyone and at everything and tried to be extra nice to people around me.

There was a constant nagging feeling within me, and I couldn't quite place a finger on it.

I felt hypocritical in trying to be extra nice and kind to people around me - all I really wanted to do was to look like soursop, clam up and wallow in my own misery. But I kept reminding myself that despite anyone's cheerful countenance, he/she could be having a really bad day (real life example being myself), and the least I could do is to not make their day worse with my unfriendliness.

(There is something inherently superficial and "act-nice" about thinking this way, and if you ask me, I am honestly disgusted by myself at times when I try to be nice when I don't feel nice. You get what I mean?)

Trying to be happy was tiring.
Forcing oneself to be happy was taking up every last vestige of my willpower.

I felt a constant temptation to just let myself fall into an abyss of self-pity and desolation: I am feeling down, why would I still care about how others feel around me? Why would I care if my mom is worried sick about me and my dad took a day off just to enlighten me on issues? Why would I care if my best friend took a cab the moment he booked out from army because he felt that there was something wrong in the way I was messaging?

But thankfully, I cared. I tried to look past all the shadows to see the scintillating beams of the sun that tried that hard to break into my thunderstorm.

Thankfully, I tried my best to appreciate every little thing that every single one of the people around me did  for me. I can't say that I did, because definitely I appreciated some support more than others, but hey, I tried.

For the first week I thought I was depressed since every now and then I would cry for no reason.
First I would cry because I was sad.
Then I would cry because I was angry with myself for being sad.
Finally I cry some more because I didn't know what to do to make myself stop crying.

So to combat the negativity in my life, I tried to be creative and positive. It went this way:

Each time I felt upset, I will learn a new, funky and cool English word in my brand new word-log.

My first word was "scintillating". It meaning sparkling and shining brightly. It is a beautiful word that calmed me down and make me feel at ease with myself.

One of my last words learnt was "compunction" which means a feeling of deep regret, which is also a lugubriously beautiful word. Melancholy can be sweet in its stinging beauty.

Learning the new words helped me a lot for a day. In fact, I learned 26 words in one day when I had the most moments of "down". Tragically, I learnt only 26 words in total because my brain fizzed out and spluttered to a premature death after trying to remember all 26 words, and it is with much compunction that I announce I cannot actually remember all 26.

I also thought about reading the dictionary.
It is a good form of distraction and reading it makes me feel smart. Not wise. Just smart.

I ended up not doing it because I am a hopeless fat piece of lump who would rather stuff her face with Macs than to make herself intellectually wise. (humor intended, I am not that self-deprecating)

Then I started to think about my life and to analyze the whole situation in full.

Have I tried my best? I think I did.

Was there any other things that I could have done? Not without over-compromising on my behalf, which won't be healthy in the long run.

So I scrolled through my own Instagram (that level of narcissism!) and spotted this from long ago:

Picture Credit

This aptly summarizes my new way of looking at my problems (and at my life).

There are always things that matter to me, but I can't "control" all of them, which means that no matter how much energy, time and resources I focus on them, it may not turn out the way I want it to. In the same vein, I realized how I have absolutely no say in what other people (be it your significant other or once-significant other or even your friends) are going to do or say, so the only I can do is to not let what they are doing affect my own well-being. Which also means that I have to look past all of it by accepting that this is life, and simply said, we move on.

Things I can control is easier in theory, but harder in practice. Some things are easier to be controlled, such as how much effort I put into each area of my work; how dedicated am I to my students both as a mentor and as a teacher; how much practice I need for inline-skating before I go past the stage of being a noob. Emotions are a bit harder, but not completely unable to be rationalized. Rationalizing things puts them into perspective and allow me to come to terms with things that I have no influence over, and to let go of things that I cannot change or improve.

In the period of "me-time", I came to realize that being alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Arguably, there are moments where I wish I have more company, but I also came to terms with another important thing:

"No one can forever be here for you. You have to be contented and enough with just having yourself."

The previous time this happened it was during holiday. I had all my friends to be with me and tide me through the hard period by allowing yourself to forget about the unpleasant among their upbeat company.

This time it is lonelier.

It is not the loneliest yet, but it is definitely lonelier because there is school and everyone is extremely busy. Hell, even in my malfunctioning days, I had to function to cope with school work and my other responsibilities. I tried hard to compartmentalize, sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing.

But it is also in this solitude that I felt that I matured. I realized that I was capable of handling crisis better alone, though I still have support from my friends. I also realized that what others can do for you is very limited if you aren't doing anything to help yourself. They can give you advice, they can enlighten you, they can cheer you up by a (rather unfair) disparagement of your unfortunate target, but ultimately, I had to lift myself out of the circumstances.

Yours friends and family provide 20% of the support.
80% is up to yourself.

I realize in such circumstances the easiest way to deal with things is to see ourselves as victims in a situation or unfortunate people suffering from a poorly planned (or totally unplanned) situation. It is easier to push the blame to other people and wallow in self pity and bash the other party by sharing our stories with our closest friends in our own skewed, self-victimizing perspective to hear them agree with you how bad the person is, and how fortunate you are to be without them.

I am not ashamed to say that I did that too.

It is one way to cope. Not the best way, and definitely not a way that helps me mature and improve with time.

I also try the ostrich method of telling everyone around me to not bring up the situation, either by pleading them or warning them.

"I don't want to hear about it," I stressed, "I don't want to think about it."

That didn't quite work out either, though it is a good method to adopt if you are in extreme pain but don't have the luxury of time to deal with the pain, blocking it out temporarily is a good way.

Then I went into a period of self-blaming. Had I done enough? Had I tried enough? Was I the one who cause things to be the way it is today? What could I have done better? Should I just shamelessly hold on anyway?

This period is harder to cope with, and definitely need much more rationalizing and support from wiser seniors. My parents, my tutor, my friends were wonderful in helping me to see things from a clearer perspective rather from one that puts all the blame onto the self - that is exceedingly unhealthy.

Putting things into perspective means to see what one could have done better and what cannot actually be achieved through one's own efforts. It also means recognizing that the other party is made up of their strengths and weakness, good traits and bad traits and being able to acknowledge and appreciate both at the end of the day.

It is too often in love that we see only the good traits and in endings that we console ourselves by seeing only the bad traits.

It took me a while to understand and appreciate that both exist in a person.
When I did, I came to terms with things.

I came to terms with myself too - no more self-blaming, and no more self-victimizing.
I came to understand Great Expectations even better:

"I must be taken as I have been made. The success is not mine, the failure is not mine, but the two together make me."

- Charles Dickens 

Alex Fussel (I am quoting you like you are a master of philosophy) once told me, "Don't focus on the emotions and the bad experience, but on what you have learnt from this experience, and how you can become a better person from this experience."

(I think I rephrased what he said to make it sound quote-worthy, heh)

In short, love irrationally. Let got rationally.

It has come to my awareness that all of the photos of my past advertorials and sponsored posts and personal posts have vanished and been replaced by an awkward "no image to display" picture.

This is terrible.

What is more terrible is that my computer has just crashed recently and in it is a backup copy of most these photos.

What can I say?

It never rains, but when it pours, I get cats and dogs.

*resigned shrug of shoulders*

It is invariably this way: I try my best to hold onto everyone who is important to me, but they all end up being angry with me anyway.

Why?

Because they still feel neglected at the end of the day.

I am trying really.

I am trying my best to make everyone around me happy and pleased and un-neglected to the point that I am neglected my own feelings and my own issues.

I made time to meet my friends who are down and need me even though I have tests to study for.

I made time to placate my mom or please her even though she is angry with me half the time and disappointed the other half. I have no idea how not to disappoint her. Does making her happy means a complete sacrifice of my individual contentment? I feel that I am compromising as much as I can.

I am really trying.

I am bottling up everything that hurts inside me and trying to be positive all the time, maybe not for myself but for those around me. I know that nobody likes to be around a soursop so I try my best to be cheery for myself as well.

I am not bitter. I am merely feeling very defeated.

I already said I was sorry whether I was right or I was wrong unfailingly. I'm saying sorry because right and wrong doesn't matter when it comes to my closest family or friends, yet things don't get amended.

I have the limitations to how much I can balance too.

I am really sorry if anyone still feels neglected, but when you do, please - just please think for a moment that I am already putting you in front of myself.

Expectations

Expectations are dreadful things.

You don't begin with expectations, or maybe you do, we wouldn't know.

My point is that expectations are usually created in you.

They are created slowly, gradually but definitely through repeated positive actions that make you expect more.

Because each time a smaller expectation is fulfilled, a bigger expectation is created. Not consciously. You may not even realize it until the said subject fails to fulfill that unexpressed expectation, and you feel disappointed.

Disappointment is a terrible, terrible thing. Even more so than expectations.

Logically, neither expectations nor disappointment can actually be fully justified. (I would go as far as to call them unwarranted emotions, but I still do feel them from time to time.)

So how are expectations created? Like I say, it begins with a small expectation.

Creation and Ultimate Destruction of Expectations (click to enlarge, I drew it!)

To summarize the drawing, the fulfillment of a smaller expectation leads to the creation of a greater expectation.

Por ejemplo, you score 60 marks in a test. Your parents say it is pretty good (says no parent ever in real life, but this is make believe), but now they want you to improve to 70. And you did. The next test you would need to score 80 to fulfill their expectation or you will be termed "stagnation". That is the creation of expectations at work.

Anyways, my main point here is to not let yourself fall into the trap of expecting or hoping excessively.

Also, it would be wise to occasionally lower other's expectations of yourself by screwing up.

Like, what I am doing now.

You are probably expecting a really cool post, but it is actually kinda screwed up.

Heh.

In the

In The

In the recesses of my mind, I think about you.

Not once, or twice. Multiple times.

In the vague moments before sleep, I dream about you.

The prodding of dreams tell the truth.

In the spaces of my heartbeats, I miss you more.

The palpitations tell me that I am incomplete.

In the pauses between my breathing, I love you.

Then it resumes, and I am once more normal.

(50 second poetry: yep, it is probably poorly written because it took me less than a minute to write it)

This is how...

This is how I learn to be independent
In the accumulated moments that you didn't care.

This is how I grow used to isolation
When I don't have you around for company.

This is how I grew up
When I call and the dial tone rings then dies

This is how much I need you
And only to realize that you don't need me back.

This is how I stopped believing,
When promises are mere words spoken and forgotten.

This is how I forget,
When there is nothing enough to remember.

This is how we all fall apart,
When I am always here but you are never there.

Inferior

Inferiority. You don't feel it all the time, just like how you don't feel sad or under-accomplished all the time.

It strikes you at the moments you least expect it to.

The effects are lingering and pervasive.

It makes you question the validity of your existence, and the basis of your daily confidence.

It makes you wonder about the things you don't usually ponder, and look twice into the mirror and still think to yourself, "I am not good enough."

It makes you afraid of meeting another: could they see the fear behind your mask of certainty; the tremor behind your beams; the insecurity behind your straightened back and relaxed shoulders?

It makes you think less of yourself (than you already do).

It makes you wonder if you should indulge or skip the next meal. It makes you vulnerable to the views of other people that should have never mattered. It makes you consider criticism (that may or may not be valid), and agree with them, because in the depth of your consciousness, these are the same criticisms that secretly haunt you in your dreams.

Inferiority. It makes you question why you are loved and worry about the sustainability of that love.

Why?

Because in the abyss of momentary inferiority, you are never enough.

Inferiority. We keep it at bay with our conscious logical minds and we strut confidently in our amours of sanity and reassurances. Yet it creeps in every now and then, like slow acting toxins, its effects insidious and damaging.

Inferiority doesn't strike me that often.

But when it does, I am nobody.

Bioré UV Aqua Rich Watery Gel

Sponsored Review

Biore UV Aqua Rich Watery Gel

Singapore is one of the best places to live in around the world because it is one of the safest, cleanest as well as most food-delicious places ever! However, there is of course always one key gripe.

The sun is too bright, making the weather hot all year round.

It is extremely easy to get sun burnt here if you stay out for extended periods under the grueling heat, and in case you didn't know, an overexposure to the sun can actually be detrimental to your skin! In the long run, it causes skin problems like wrinkles, freckles, spots, increased aging and sagging!!

Yes, you should feel horrified!

This is precisely why the use of sunblock is so extremely important, especially to us who live on such a sunny island. I know many of us are either to lazy to use sunblock or we find it too sticky, too oily, too thick thus making the skin unbreathable.

So, what if I tell you that there is a sunblock that DOES NOT have any of the above problems?*

*Based on writer's experience; may differ from user to user.

Bioré UV Aqua Rich Watery Gel 

Benefits of Bioré UV Aqua Rich Watery Gel 

That's right, it is the new Bioré UV Aqua Rich Watery Gel!! Not only does it have a SPF of 50+ that provides us with maximum protection against harmful UVA and UVB rays from the sun, it also has a watery texture that spreads easily and evenly on the skin, giving a matte finish!

Apart from using it on the arms and neck, it is also perfect to be used as a makeup base as it brightens and whitens the skin, giving us a bright glowing look without our face appearing to be too oily!

Let me try to show you the before and the after:

Before application of sun block

Application

After application

Woe betide the limitations of my iPhone camera and its abysmal capturing abilities. However, if you look closely between the hand (yes the hand, not the arm) of the first picture and last picture, you can tell that the post-usage hand became fairer, and looks strangely moisturized. Yep. So in this aspect, I agree that the sunblock is moisturizing and also has whitening effects!

Perhaps one of the best things about this sunblock is that it is suitable for use both on the body and on the face, which means that just buying this one sunblock is enough for your getaway to any sunny place on planet earth!

Personally, I have been using this sunblock frequently since I received it, and I find it surprisingly comfortable on application! Unlike some of the sunblocks that I have tried last time which may either have the common "sunblock" scent or increase the oiliness of the skin, this one smells refreshing and leaves the skin matte for at least 4 hours (for myself) before my skin starts getting oily. Logically, even if I don't use the sunblock, my skin will still start to get oily in that amount of time, so we can't really pin the blame on the sunblock!

If you guys are interested in the product, you will be pleased to know that it is available at all leading pharmacies, hyper and super marts, departmental stores and beauty stores! For just $18.90, you will get a bottle of 90ml sunblock to use for a very long time!

So what are you waiting for, remember to protect your skin starting today~!

Ambulance

A lot of us have watched Taiwanese or Korean drama which would involve an ambulance coming in and the paramedics moving swiftly to place a person onto the stretcher or the likes. Then before we know it, they are monitoring CPR, heart rate and then the ambulance is off heading towards the hospital. As a kid I always thought that this has been exaggerated for drama's sake, till I experienced it for myself today.

Yep, you didn't hear me wrongly. I was sent to NUH in an ambulance, on a stretcher.

So this was how it went:

I woke up this morning around 8am or so, then being the lazy ball I was, I went back to bed until maybe around 10.45am. I went to check my phone that was charging, which is my usual morning routine. When I was checking my phone, my heart suddenly started beating crazy fast, or rather I started having palpitations (in medical terms). At the same time my chest constricted, I had a sharp pain in my stomach and I broke out into cold sweat while feeling numbness and dizziness. In short I thought I was going to pass out because I couldn't make sense of my surroundings (thank god I was at home). I was told by my mom that I turned as pale as a sheet and looked like I had lost consciousness (I was on the floor at home) and she called the ambulance.

The ambulance came relatively fast, like in less than 10 minutes, and yes, it was actually very much like a scene in a drama. Four paramedics arrived at my house and they were extremely skilled and experienced. I think they took a ECG, my pulse rate and blood pressure, as well as my blood glucose level. In my semi consciousness I heard that my blood pressure was rather low (could not remember how low) and I was quickly given an IV drip on my right wrist.

Sidenote: The needle that they insert into the vein for drips is actually kinda painful and also restricts one's hand movement. I had actually expected no pain which is not logical, don't ask me why.

I was helped onto the stretcher bed thing which is actually pretty awkward to be on as I slowly became more aware of my surroundings as my initial discomfort wore off. Like you become acutely aware of the fact of how dramatic it is to be on a stretcher with 4 really really cool and efficient paramedics wheeling you from your apartment to the ambulance. I mean, if it was actually a drama, I was pretty sure that those exciting background music would be playing, coupled with loud beeping noises reflecting some vital stats.

But nope, there wasn't any background music to alleviate the awkwardness I felt on the stretcher, or the discomfort that my stomach felt with each bump on the ground. #lifenotdrama

By the time I reached NUH in the ambulance (which was also wow, I am on an ambulance), I was feeling less like I was going to die and more awkward of my vulnerable position every moment. I realized I had no shoes on because I was at home. I also realized that I was still in my panda-pajamas, which was like *faints from embarrassment*.

At NUH I went through more tests that involved more needles being inserted into me. I think I had my blood glucose taken twice before a long needle was inserted into my left hand to draw out more blood. Yep, that was slightly painful too. Then while I was still having the IV drip in my right hand, I was given another bag in my left...

This one is more painful. I think I will get a bruise hehe.

But overall, the medical staff was really caring and efficient and really really sweet people, so I felt pretty safe in their hands.

I was going to type more, but I will end the post here because erm I am really just kind of too lazy to write more. Ha.

Clinique x Luxola Collaboration

Sponsored Review
Recently I have been lucky enough to be given the chance to try and review Clinique's line of products! Needless to say, I was genuinely excited as Clinique is an extremely well recognized for its skincare and cosmetic products and after this experience, I must say that the products definitely live up to their name!

 

Clinique Products



For Oily Skin: Moisturizing gel, clarifying lotion and liquid facial soap (left to right)

Due to my oily skin type, I was given the set of products catered specially for oily skin!

Clinique Liquid Facial Soap
Clinique's facial soap is gentle on the skin with a mild scent. Usually I use just one pump to wash my face and it is more than sufficient to lather into foam to cleanse the face of the oil without drying out the skin. In short, it smoothly cleanses one's face without stripping too much of the facial oil, thus leaving the skin hydrated and comfortable.

Unlike some other cleansers which may have a strong floral scent which may be a source of irritation to some, Clinique's Facial Soap has a soft and refreshingly mild scent that is gentle to the senses.

Also, in case you are wondering, I have skin that's prone to acne and using the facial soap so far has not caused me any outbreaks. In fact, I haven't had any outbreaks since I started using this skincare line!

However, one must be careful not to let the soap get into one's eye as I carelessly had, as it will cause a minty stinging sensation that is not too painful, but preferably avoided.

Clinique Clarifying Lotion
Clinique's Clarifying Lotion has a strong alcoholic scent that disappears after drying. As a clarifying lotion, I feel that it does indeed purify the skin! Swiping a cotton pad dabbed with the clarifying lotion across one's face instantly refreshes and soothes the skin following the cleansing.

What is even better is the fact that the lotion seems to function well as a mild makeup remover too: when I accidentally made a makeup error, I dabbed the spot with a cotton pad containing the lotion to remove the error easily without smearing the rest of my makeup. Definitely a versatile and handy lotion to have!

Clinique Moisturizing Gel
Clinique's moisturizing gel is by far my favourite moisturizer amongst all that I have tried. And trust me, I have actually tried a broad range. The amazing thing about this moisturizer is that it leaves the skin silky smooth and matte upon drying, with no hint of oiliness at all even in the many hours post application. Fair enough, I do see my nose getting shiny with time, but for me, my skin tends to become oily extremely easily and I doubt it would be fair to blame it on the moisturizer!

Instead, I am thoroughly impressed by how the moisturizing gel is able to leave my face matte but still retaining its healthy glow (without the actual oily shine) and it is one of my go-to base products to use before make-up application to prep my skin. 10/10 for this moisturiser, I won't hesitate to purchase it when my current bottle finishes!

For those of you who are interested in seeing Clinique's compete range of skincare products on Luxola, do check out this link!

Also, if you are interested in finding out more about Clinique, do check out their interview with Luxola at this link!

Not about to let you guys off without a bit of benefits, remember to use discount code BLX-KIRA to enjoy 15% off all first time orders by 15th of August 2015! So what are you waiting for? Hurry up and grab your goodies today!

*A follow up post will be done after one month or more usage of the products to update you guys!

I know I haven't blogged in a while, and to the 238 people who still read this blog even yesterday, thank you for your support all this time.

I wouldn't say that I have been through a very rough period of time: in comparison, I would say A-levels, PSLE, MOE interviews are definitely and infinitely more stressful, but recent events did make my life go out of its usual rhythm.

Thankfully that was almost 3 weeks ago? I know that many of you may not know what I am referring to, but to those who know, read on!

Before I began this post, I had prognosticated that I would write a beautifully complex and romantic piece of post extolling the virtues of experience and pain, but as I begin, I am like "Nah." I am not going to be pretentious and behave like experiences have shaped me into a better person etcetera etcetera, and how grateful I am to such bad experiences, because you know...

So everyone says.

Nope.

I would very honestly tell you that I rather not have spent four months on such an experience but of course we all are also aware that there is little point in regretting the passage of time: it is irrevocable.

And yes, on the extremely bright side (somewhere near the sun, perhaps?) I did learn something! I am just not entirely sure what I have learnt, but yes I did learn something. Okay, maybe I learnt a lot, but let us not go to the dry and boring nitty gritty of "I learn not to trust anyone or the promises they make".

Faith in humanity shouldn't be lost over one incident. We just learn to be more careful.

Anyhoos, it is also in this period of time I learn once more that I have truly wonderful and precious friends who are with me through thick and thin. I mean to dedicate this non-morose post to these fabulous people who make me happy every single day. However, I also realized that it would be incredibly stupid to write about overly personal things online, so here is a very quick and vague summary of everyone:

(I actually wrote down everyone's name, but then I deleted it again. Sorry, I will just let the suspense kill you, I guess?)

Anyways, I am running out of inspiration to write, so here is the end of my very short update post. :D

Essential Deep Cleansing and Light Finish Volumizing Shampoo and Conitioner Review

Sponsored Review

Hey all! Today I am back with another shampoo review, and this time it is the Essential Deep Cleansing Care and Essential Light Finish Volumizing Shampoo and Conditioner.

I am not sure about you guys, but I actually sincerely do face this problem*: having combination hair/scalp. I wasn't even aware of this condition till recently when I was reading about the information provided along with these sets of shampoo where I realized that combination hair does exist, just like combination skin.

Now what combination hair really means is that you have oily scalp as well as hair roots and dry and often easily damaged hair ends. This explains why no matter what shampoo I used, either my scalp or my hair ends always feel wrong.

*Trust me, I did not just invent a problem for the sake of writing this advertorial. 

Essential Deep Cleansing Care Shampoo and Conditioner

Essential Light Finish Volumizing Shampoo and Conditioner 

For the past few days, I have been testing out the two sets of hair care products as shown above and here are my first impression of them!

Essential Deep Cleansing Care Shampoo and Conditioner

The deep cleansing care shampoo is transparent in color and smells really great, as do all essential shampoo does! What I like about it is that it foams excellently when you scratch it out into your scalp, and it is actually proven that foam is better able to remove sebum! (Think about Biore facial foam wash, aha!) I do think that the shampoo has achieved what it promises to, which is to thoroughly cleanse the scalp of the sebum residues to make the scalp feel much fresher and breathable!

Additionally, even a day or two after usage, my scalp still does not feel as oily as it would have been prior to using this shampoo! Amazingly, I also noticed a reduction in the amount of dandruff-resembling bits (they aren't actually dandruff since they don't fall off in flakes, I think?) on my head when I scratch my scalp, which makes me very happy!

However, one problem with using the shampoo and conditioner on the whole length of my hair (my hair reaches my lower back) is that the bottom half of my hair becomes incredibly tangly and dry, I think? I feel that the lower part of my hair lacks the necessary nutrients and oils because the Deep Cleansing effects of the shampoo has done it so well that even the oils on my hair ends have been stripped off. Nonetheless I am still very pleased with the shampoo and I won't hesitate to rate it a 9/10, where one mark is deducted for the dry effect on the lower hair ends.

Thank goodness we have the volumizing hair shampoo: it is here to salvage your hair ends!

Essential Light Finish Volumizing Shampoo and Conditioner 

I tried to do an artistic shot. Too much backlight D:

In a way, the light finish volumizing shampoo and conditioner is perfect for the lower half of your hair because it does nourish the hair to provide a silky and smooth finish that creates that extra volume! Nonetheless, I was careless enough to use it on my scalp once, which had caused my scalp to be oily rather quickly. However, this also proves that the shampoo does what it claims: to provide the additional oils and nutrients to improve the quality of your hair...that your scalp does not need!

Essential Shampoo Massage Brush

On top of these amazing hair products, I also had the opportunity to try their brand new Essential Shampoo Massage Brush! Available in both hot pink and mint green, I think it is safe to say that they have a color to appeal to both our girly side and our manly sides!

The shampoo massage brush is designed in a way to improve your blood circulation in the head when you brush your head with it whilst shampooing! The soft silicon bristles prevents harsh shock to your scalp and provides a gentle and comfortable massaging experience.

Not only so, the brush was helpful in gently cleansing my scalp build-ups which is a gross combination of skin and dirt! After usage, you can see greyish gunk on the bristles that can be easily washed away with water.

However, I do notice that if you have a lot of hair or very long hair like I do, the brushing may be harder because I don't really dare to push the brush all the way into my scalp: for fear of tangling my hair! Essential recommends for us to NOT use the brush in circular motions as it will cause tangles. Instead, we are supposed to move it side to side with small movements!

Also, to store the brush, face the brush up like I did with the mint green brush and don't rest the brush face down as this will damage the soft bristles, causing them to go out of shape, i.e. bent.

All righty! I have come to the end of my post and I am sure you guys are interested to find out more about these cool products! You guys will be thrilled to know that currently there is a special promotion from mid-May 2015 where by you can buy a set of 2 shampoos and get a mint green/hot pink shampoo massage brush for free! That banded package costs only $19.60 at all leading supermarkets and personal care stores (Watsons/ Guardian etc), good deal right?

Not only so, don't forget to grab your samples from Essential Singapore's Facebook Page to try out your very first FREE samples today!

Last but not least, if you are interested in more special offers and promotions, why not follow Essential on instagram @essentialsingapore and also myself @kiraknightyy to keep yourself updated of the latest freebies and cool stuff!

Till next post, toodles!